YOU shine brighter than fireflies… I'm surrounded by YOUR brilliant glow.

I have been feeling restless in my own skin the last few weeks. I can't truly describe it as sadness or grief or anything of that sort. I can't pinpoint the cause or the reason, but I have been overcome with emotions that I didn't know I even had or had been holding onto. It's a strange feeling to know that you're unhappy, that you're not content in this season of your life, but that somehow, things will eventually turn around. I think that's what most people call hope. 

Last night, I needed away. I needed to be alone… to somehow deal with the thoughts crossing my mind in a way that would be productive and not futile. I needed to deal with the anger that has caused me to push everyone away, including the family I love and my two roommates who have stood by my side through every decision I have made-- the good and the bad. I needed to be alone with myself and to hash it out with God… who I have blamed for my unhappiness. 

I took Macedog for a walk around our small little community, mostly consisting of young adults, but there are a few young families once you turn the corner of our block. Macey, my three year old, obnoxiously adorable beagle/dalmatian mix is always good company. I decided I needed a change of scenery from our normal, usual path of passing the creek and making a big circle back to the house. I decided to turn the corner, cross the street, and walk down a street with big shady trees and a lake hidden behind big homes. Macey loves walks. I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings, ignoring the trees, the beautifully green overgrown branches, the shady path… I was stuck in my own head. "Why, God? Why would you do this to me?" 

I was arguing with myself about what my future holds. Do I run away… again? Do I drop out of grad school, move back home, live with my parents, ignore the dreams I once believed would come true? Do I move to a new city, find new people, start over, free myself from the things I have allowed to hold me back?
… or do I sit patiently and wait for an answer I may or may not want? Do I allow myself to love? Do I open my heart up to someone who could potentially destroy everything I have worked so hard for, everything I have prided myself on? Do I follow the direction in which God is calling me? Do I passionately try with all of my heart to throw myself into the world of the unknown, where it isn't safe, where I might get hurt? Do I take this step with God knowing I might never be the same, but where I know his promises will never fail me? 
… or do I run away and live a life for myself? 


I turned the corner. "When did everything get so messed up? Why, God, why did you let everything get so messed up? I can't even remember a time when I was truly happy!" 

There it was. Me. I was staring at a beautiful home right in front of my face… there was a big tree, providing shade for the front of the home. There was a little girl, maybe seven or eight running around the yard, clapping her hands together, skipping over rocks and sticks… barefoot. It took me a minute to realize what she was doing, but the moment I saw little flickers of light flashing through the yard, I understood. She was catching lightening bugs. She was smiling from ear to ear, slowly trying her hardest to chase a particular little bug. I could see the flickers, the glow from the belly as it flew from one end of her yard to the other. 

I had forgotten of these memories that I didn't even remember ever took place. Chasing these little bugs used to be my favorite thing, my sister and I would do it for hours and hours. From as far back as I can remember, every summer night was spent in the back yard of my house, under this big tree, which is gone now… but we would play for hours, running barefoot, trying our hardest to catch as many as we could. I can still remember the smell of night falling, of the little bugs, the glowing bellies from the mason jars scattered across the porch steps, the little flickers of light. I felt as if I was looking back fifteen years ago at a younger me… who knew no worries and trusted the world around her. 

I found myself praying for this little girl, who's name I do not know. I prayed that she would grow up to be a godly woman, who would love others, who would be kind, and would know true happiness. I prayed that she would never lose her sense of adventure, that she would never stop chasing her dreams, and more importantly, that she would never ever, ever give up on what she wanted out of life. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

I was looking into my childhood. I was given a glimpse of the silly life I lived as a child, all those dreams came back to me, those silly little memories that I used to hold onto were suddenly flooding my mind. I don't know why God sent me out of my way to walk pass a little girl who reminded me so much of me, but I am so thankful that He did. I am so thankful, that although I do not have every single answer I want, I can rest knowing that He does. 

For the first time in over a decade, I reached my hands out and caught a little firefly… I, then, opened my hands and let him go. I watched as the little flicker of his belly faded into the distance. 

For the first time in a long while, I decided to surrender to the plans God has for me. I reached my hands out and decided to trust God with not only my life, but with my past and my future… I, then, opened my hands and let my goals, plans, and dreams fade away. 

I know in my heart that God has a much better plan than I could ever imagine… and I have decided to be content in this season of not knowing.