Life is so complex, so big and chaotic, and out of control. I have no idea who I am. I have searched for years trying to find my identity, but I have found nothing. There is nothing that can explain the depth of that feeling, the raw emptiness and pain of not being able to recognize who you are… not knowing who you will become or what you wish to be. The fear of never knowing, never being true, never being honest with yourself is a burden that I have carried for years, never addressing the reasons as to why I have felt so lost.
I have been stuck in this fog of darkness, lacking direction and purpose for a while. It has felt like life has been suffocating me, drowning me with fear and hurt and grief that I couldn't escape. I have spent many moments, hours even, just staring at a clock waiting for time to pass me by, hoping that things would change and this gloomy period of my life would close.
I have spent a ton of money… for five years of my life, I have exhausted myself to study something I no longer even wish to become. I tried to believe that this was my story, that this was my purpose, that someday this would become my passion… but it hasn't. I have grown farther and farther away from the person I wanted to be. I don't want to be a social worker… I don't want to do social work. Helping people… I used to be good at that. That was the sole reason I wanted to do social work, but I can no longer even help myself, let alone other people.
For goodness sake, I still eat popcorn and candy for dinner.
I haven't been happy, truly happy for a while now. I used to attribute that to growing up… to adulthood, but in all honesty, the problem is me. That sadness comes from my inability to discover the person I want to be and my identity as a person in this world. I have no idea who Tedi Ellis is.
I wasted all these years following and chasing a dream I never believed was mine. If I was to be completely honest with myself and everyone else, I would tell you that social work was never my purpose. It was never a dream of mine. It was never something I felt called to become. It isn't a passion. I thought this dream, this purpose, this passion would just eventually grow inside of me and I would feel at ease and complete. But it hasn't. I have become a stranger and bitter, not even able to recognize who I am… or the person I was. No one tells you about that part of growing up.
When I entered college, I was so naive of the hardships, the pain, the struggles, and the hurt that comes with finding yourself, something I still haven't found. I am at a point in my life where it is no longer "okay" to be so confused and anxious and apprehensive towards the future. I am 23 years old and the people around me know exactly who they are and are living out their dreams, while I sit on the steps and watch from a distance, jealous of the freedom they have in knowing.
The problem is that not a single person can help me… no one can offer direction… no body can see how much it is tearing me a part. It is slowly destroying me, causing me to turn inward and away from anyone who could possibly care about me. No one is objective… but yet, I haven't been able to figure it out on my own. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a social worker. I just wanted to become someone that people were proud of.
I simply just want this chapter to end and to write a new beginning.
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