My answer has been simple, I haven't felt like talking… there are no words to describe the emotions I have felt, the hurt inside of me, and the pain of not knowing who I am or what I was created to do. I have been so stuck in my own head that simple social interactions have been overwhelming… people exhaust me, with their own opinions and facts that I actually never asked for. I have no idea where my head has been, but I can promise you, I have never been in such a dark place before.
Every single day has felt like the biggest struggle of my life, I have had to convince myself to get out of bed… Some days I would just stare at the clock, literally… waiting for time to pass me by. I have wanted to be alone… I have wanted to just sit on my bed… and most days, I have only wanted to eat poptarts and ice cream. I DIDN'T EVEN CARE HOW UNHEALTHY THEY WERE… and I still don't care, they make a fantastic combination. I have failed to show up for classes, to do my laundry, to cook dinner, or even vacuum… the long meaningless drives around town that served as therapy for my soul, no longer even cleared my mind. The saddest part of all, the music that I used to love has started to just feel like noise.
I knew it was bad, but I didn't understand how great life could be.
I have spent years of my life fighting against God and what He wishes for my life, hoping to figure everything out on my own, to prove to myself and God, that I am more than capable of making it in this world. I think these last couple months, God finally decided to let me crash and burn… and I have not only done just that, but I have decided to take a flying leap through destruction and chaos, stopped at hurt and grief, and knocked down anyone who would possibly care about me… all in one angry swoop. This is me, putting down my pride, and saying, "I know that I not only need a savior, but I need someone to be the king of my life too."
I can't do it on my own.
I'm not saying this with tears streaming down my face, waiting for some kind of miracle evacuation plan, ready to set my heart on fire, let's do business kind of revelation… I am simply saying this as a completely broken, I have no where to turn, I don't even know what to do, how did I get so lost, what the hell was I thinking, kind of understanding.
Let's be real.
On the way to the airport on Monday afternoon, as I snapped selflies, my sister tried her very best to speak truth into my life, I know it was a desperate attempt for her to keep me on the straight and narrow, but honestly, the only thing I paid attention to was the question she asked,
"What are you grounded in? I honestly don't think anything is ever going to change for you until you realize you need to be grounded in Christ."
Ouch. It was as if she had just leaned over, let go of the steering wheel, and punched me straight in the gut. I think for all intents and purposes, I probably muttered a word that started with "Fff." If that question was never intended to do some deep soul searching, it should be banned from the english language… immediately.
What am I grounded in? Honestly, I am overly self-absorbed and overwhelmingly self-centered. I spend more time making sure each hair on my head is perfectly straight than I do in conversation with people, I care more about the way my nails look than I do with how my heart looks, I have learned to perfectly mask every emotion I feel in order to protect myself and keep the world away. I am so prideful. I am in love with the idea of fame, of earthly things… Unfortunately, I haven't always known that my answers weren't going to be found at the bottom of a bottle. The world has looked mighty appealing.
I hate to admit the fact that up until two weeks ago, I probably hadn't even cracked open a bible since Christmas… I only prayed when I needed something that was just a little too far outside my grasp. I grew up knowing right from wrong, of knowing about Heaven and Hell, God and Satan, and the story of Christ--but I have never made it my truth. Whenever I would find myself in trouble, instead of owning up to it, I would laugh and say, "I'm just a sinner saved by grace."
In the last six months, I have watched from start to finish five television series, 76 movies, and dozens of new episodes of television dramas. I couldn't even tell you how many hours I have spent sitting on my bed in front of my Netflix account.
I can, unfortunately, tell you how many church services I have been to in the last six months. Sadly, I could tell you on one hand. From the wise words of my sister, "You need to get your ass back in church." I have become painfully aware that I am grounded in the world… and that to needs to change, immediately.
"I think you're waiting for some big revelation, some crazy big thing that God is just going to hand over to you."
As annoying as it is to admit, my sister is right. I have been sitting on my bed, waiting for God to show up and change the circumstances that I created out of pride and greed, out of shame and anger and hurt… I have learned to talk the talk, but I have never actually walked with Christ. I knew so little about God that I truly thought he would be satisfied with the things I said even if my actions didn't match… I truly believed I could "follow" Christ, but still remain in control.
I still have no idea what my future holds or what tomorrow will bring, but today, without a doubt in my mind, I am choosing Christ. I know that choice will be something I will have to choose tomorrow and the next day and every day next week, and every single day for the rest of my life… but somehow deep in my heart, I believe that choice will be worth it.
… Here's to new chapters, new beginnings, and a new understanding.
No matter how much I don't want to, I am choosing to get off my bed, fake happiness until I get there, and choose to believe that God has something planned that is so much more beautiful than I could ever imagine.
I'm choosing Christ.
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