She laughs with her husband who is not a professionally daddy... just yet. He packs the diaper bag full of clothes two sizes too big, forgets to pick up dinner, and ignores the piles of trash piling up in the kitchen. He stays out too late fixing up the engine for a car that will hopefully run, giving them a jeep for mudding and trail riding. He still forgets to quietly leave in the morning, to pick up toys, or start the laundry. But my sister is more than aware of the love he has for her, the blessings she has been given, and the home he has built for their family.
Four years ago, I sat on the edge of my sister's queen size bed in the home that we grew up in. I had a hidden tattoo, brightly colored plaid pajama pants, and black hair tied in a long pony tail down my back. In other words, I had just faced the first life crisis of what would be many. I begged and pleaded with her to move across the country with me to start a brand new life where no one knew of me, where I could finally be the girl I was created to be, and God would give me everything I ever wanted. I laugh now at how little I truly knew of God back then…
Somehow though, I have learned to accept that God didn't move me to Texas for me… He used me as a tool to move my sister into a brand new chapter of her life, where she would grow emotionally and spiritually, where she would meet a man full of wisdom and faith, and would raise up a family to follow the unwritten rule: God. Family. Texas. He used me to give my sister all of the blessings I wrote about above.
I have spent years bitterly trying my hardest to love God, to love my sister, and to still have faith that God knew what was best for me. For most, you know how my own personal Texas chapter ended… but if you don't, I'll ruin the ending for you. I moved back, with my head down and shame in my heart, six months after first arriving. I ran away from dreams and plans and people who cared about me because life got hard. While I have spent years hating everything about Texas and the months I lived here, sitting on my sister's couch in her brand new home this week, has helped me to truly accept that God used me for my sister's story. I am finally at a place where I can say that I am okay with that. Texas was never meant to be about me.
Admitting that in the past made me angry. How dare God do that to me? How dare God tell me that He wanted me to move to Texas only so my sister would follow? How dare God care more about Tori and her happiness than my own? Why would God do that to me? Does He even see me?
I have been jealous. I have walked down the road of envy and hurt, more so in the last year as I have watched God bless my sister with a husband who loves her more than life itself, with a child who is more precious than they come, and with a church community who genuinely cares about her spiritual growth. I have thanked God for everything he has done for Tori, while silently in my heart I felt hurt and betrayed, questioning the God of this universe, begging him to see me and to answer my prayers.
As I sit on this couch, watching my sister sit on the floor rocking her sweet son to sleep, I am painfully aware that my life is no where near where I wanted it to be, by the age that I am now. I am sadly reminded that my life is crumbling around me, my dreams have been broken, and my faith has been questioned… which has been the whole reason for this impromptu trip in the first place.
Honestly, I can't say that I am perfectly okay with the way God used me to intertwine two lives together. I can't honestly say that I no longer feel the pains of jealously. To be blunt, I still wish my Texas story had ended in happiness… not hers. I still feel hurt and anger towards God for the months I did live here, betrayed by the God who I thought had promises for me.
But I am learning not all things are about me. I have accepted that God used me… I am more than thankful for my sister's family who has welcomed me into their home this last week, who has dealt with my crying fits, my bursts of anger, and has gently brought me back to reality with love and grace. I am thankful for my brother in law, who loves to tease me about how unruly and ridiculous I am, who has to constantly remind me to say grace before meals, and who has invited me into his home and life.
I stand in awe of the life they have created. Sweet, sweet, sweet Zechariah has been the perfect distraction from the hurt and pains of life, giving me a reason to smile and to celebrate the life I do have, and has provided countless hours of laughter. He truly is a gift from God, and no matter where life takes me, I will always remember that.
I don't have a definite answer as to what life means for me, from this point forward. I don't know what next week will bring as I return home to try to pick up the pieces I destroyed out of anger, hurt, and grief. I don't know what God has planned for me, but I do know that while I had every intention of this trip to Texas being a much needed break for my sanity, He has truly used this "break" to teach me about His love, His forgiveness, and His grace.
He has used this trip to help me heal, to help me move forward, to move my heart away from the broken dreams of 2011, and to bring me closer to Him… and that is more than I could have ever asked for.
I deserve nothing, but He has given me more than I could have ever imagined. If I have learned anything in the last four years, it is that I am so undeserving, but He is merciful regardless of my character. He is patient, loving, just, and always faithful… even when I fail to acknowledge His presence or promises.
I haven't been able to say this, but as I sit here and look into the eyes of my nephew, I can honestly say with every ounce of who I am, that I am so glad that I sat on my sister's bed four years ago, begging her to come with me… I am so glad that God used me to give my sister everything she ever wanted.
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