Midnight Revelations

I had been sitting at my desk in my college home that I share with two wonderful people, contemplating what my future looked like. I was trying, desperately to create some kind of magical plan that would send me running in some kind of direction. I have spent the last three years of my life, grasping at anything that looked even slightly promising. That explains why the last five years of my life has been named, "The Life Crisis" by anyone who knows me… my favorite highlights of this time period include the infamous 2011 move to Texas, the time I tried to learn guitar, and the time I decided sleeping was much more favorable to attending class… or work… or anything else. Success has not exactly defined the last five years… 

As I sat at my desk with the time nearing midnight, with tears streaming down my face, it suddenly hit me. I jumped out of my chair, ran through my room, down the hallway, slung open my roommate's door and asked, "Are you awake?" and then there was silence. 
After what seemed like forever, I heard a faint, "Yes, Tedi..." 

"Can I turn on the light?" 
"No." 

I jumped on her bed, hugged her pillow as I always did before I shared my big life revelations, and began to spill my plan to my half awake, very best friend. "I know what I want to do now, I want to go to Med School!" 

The lights were still out but I imagine she rolled her eyes… "Again? I thought we were over this. Tedi, you don't like blood… you hate school… you can't even put your own bandaids on. Go to bed." 

"But I'm serious this time, I think this is what I'm supposed to do!"

"TEDI! You can't go to med school… you can't even watch Grey's Anatomy without turning your head and covering your eyes if there's a scene with blood. No, we're not doing this again…"

Defeated simply because I knew she was right and also, because this has not been my first trip to "Maybe Med School" land, I quietly tried to argue, "But Chelsea, maybe I could just be a doctor for healthy people who aren't bleeding…" 

"That's not how it works, Ted…"

"I think I'm heading towards another life crisis…" 

"Again? The last one just ended like two days ago, you can't keep doing this every time the thought of adulthood approaches. People generally only get two or three life crises in their entire lifetime, you're maxed out on the allotted number of crises a person is allowed to have, EVER. I knew this was going to happen because we started talking about how this is your last year of school and the future… I knew we shouldn't have gone there. Go to bed, Ted, we'll figure it out tomorrow..."

She's right. I joke about it as if it doesn't bother me, but it does. My future is only a small part of my worries, I know my career plans were much more exciting when I was five years old, but the idea of what career I will do still sends me into a panic. But mostly, I am terrified of growing up. I am absolutely terrified of actually entering the world and becoming something… 

What if I fail? What if I mess up so big in the real world and everyone knows I don't have it together? What if someone actually gives me responsibility? What if I become accountable to someone other than myself? 

What if I disappoint everyone I love? What if I fail?

Adulthood scares me. It downright scares the marbles out of me… if I wasn't claiming to be following this new found faith, I would be openly sharing a whole lot of words that start with the letter 'F' just to get my point across. I am terrified of growing up… Twenty three is already about two years older than I ever wanted to be. I feel trapped, as if this thing called life suddenly sped up, refusing to allow me time to think and decide what my future holds… to quote the greatest show on Earth, "It's awful being a grownup, but the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off."-Grey's Anatomy

If you know me, you know I would never survive a day in Med School… I doubt I would ever even be accepted. To quote Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, "Your grades, my friend, aren't good enough to get you a slurpee." So there's no worries there. 

I don't know what tomorrow brings, let alone next month or five years into the future. I have no idea… and this is about the time every single year, when I start to hyperventilate and freak out and throw tantrums and refuse to face adulthood. But this year is different… this year, God gets to make the plan. I'm giving up control, I don't want to grow up, but I also have decided I am no longer going to be the girl who "stomps her feet, cries away her responsibilities, refuses to get out of bed, still eats ice cream and candy for dinner" and has the "I hate the world, no body understands me, I have no idea what to do attitude."

I have no clue what the future holds… but I think I am okay with that. I am perfectly content in giving my life and my future over to the one who CAN be trusted, who has plans greater than mine could ever be, and who loves me enough to know what is best for me. There is no one better to handle my life than the one who created it, my God is so much bigger and loves so much deeper than I ever dared to give Him credit for in the past. 

Med School may not be in my future, but whatever plans God does have for me, I only hope I will be ready when He chooses to reveal those to me. Until then, I'll leave you with a lovely moment of "Tedi Ellis" that was captured on film by the same wonderful, not afraid to speak truth, Chelsea above... I never claimed to have it all together. 

Please feel free to laugh at my tears-- I do. Sometimes I just don't want to be old…

"When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith. And trust that you can survive this. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." 

-Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)