Note:
I only have experience in one Southern Baptist Church that I went to from birth- 18 years old, I'm not bashing the church, the religion, or any other doctrine… I'm sure other denominations are all guilty of the same things. I just wanted to write a post that put the emphasis on Jesus Christ and away from all the other stuff that doesn't matter, in hopes that even one person will see Jesus is the answer… This isn't me bashing the religion, as I still attend a Southern Baptist Church, this is me simply pointing out that there is a problem with the church when the rules interfere with a relationship with Christ.
That bandana though… #badass #badtothebone
This wasn't just a problem I had as a adult, even as a child, I was quick to list off things that I knew I couldn't do, but it was hard for me to think about things I did believe.
I found an old journal a while back that I had kept, in which I signed proudly, Tedi Leigh Ellis, 11 years old, to which I confessed my most awful sins of that time period… I wrote, "I cursed today even when I knew I shouldn't. I was trying to make Amanda like me so I said 'Crap!' Last week, I said, "Oh my God," when I wasn't praying or singing. I was just mad. I'm sorry God."
Today, nearly twelve years later… I wish "Crap" was the worst thing I've ever said. Today alone, I've probably muttered, "Oh my God," in at least a dozen different settings and I can guarantee I wasn't praying or worshipping. Sometimes I wish I could go back and hang out with the "Preteen Tedi," I think I would like her. She wore a few too many bandanas and thought she was a gangster, her fashion sense was questionable but she seemed to have good morals.. or at least she did on February 2, 2003 when she regretted saying, "Crap!" to impress her friend.
I was raised Southern Baptist, which doesn't necessarily mean we drink sweet tea during prayer meetings, hang out on porch swings with open bibles, and live in the South like the name suggests… at least I don't think Missouri is south. I was raised in the church, every time those doors were cracked open, my little behind was sitting on a pew… or a terribly uncomfortable wooden chair. I knew better than to say the good Lord's name in vain, I promised not to have sex before marriage, swore to never drink any liquor, and was more than aware of the "No Dancing" rule. I knew we didn't gamble and I was quick to judge those who I knew spent their money "on the boat." My older sister once told me about buying scratchers from the gas station and I just about held my own prayer meeting and revival for her soul… I think she probably sat on my Sunday School Prayer list for two whole years.
I knew those rules I was raised on were a sure way to get pass the holy gates of gold… I remember around sixth grade, asking one of my counselors at a children's camp why there wasn't a commandment about dancing… I just thought the rules of the church were somehow part of the Ten Commandments given by Moses. I know now, had I followed every single rule of the Southern Baptist doctrine, had I passed away, I still would have been eternally separated from God, because I had no relationship and no understanding of who He was in my life… or in general.
I knew nearly every word to "Amazing Grace" and "How Great Thou Art" and don't even get me started on "The Ole Rugged Cross," which played every Sunday during the altar call. I knew John 3:16, Genesis 1:1, and with prompting could recite "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." If memorization was part of salvation, I would've been the first one to sing hymns through the streets of gold. There was a lot of things I knew about my church, I knew the baptism water was pretty cold, not to run in church, and to only color on activity paper, NOT Holy Bibles on the back of the pews. I knew there was a God, I knew of Jesus, and I knew classic bible stories like Noah, Jonah, and Moses… but I didn't know Jesus.
To be blunt, growing up as a Southern Baptist church kid, religion failed me terribly.
I have nothing bad to say about the religion itself, as after doing my own research in the last couple weeks, Southern Baptist doctrine is sound and clear, it's just that many times, especially in my childhood church, the church itself lacks the follow through needed to truly teach what Baptists claim to follow. I think, in many cases, the truth gets lost in the rules. I won't blame religion, or the church I grew up in, or my parents, or anyone for the lack of knowledge I had… maybe it was my fault for not paying attention or not retaining the information, I am simply saying I wish I had learned these truths before I did as a college student. The church itself, at least in my experience, told me exactly what not to do, and somewhere between that journal page and now, the world I knew fell a part and I had no foundation to help me stand back up. As a church kid, religion got in the way. I never understood the message of grace and love and acceptance and forgiveness and community and RELATIONSHIP. I was taught about salvation, about asking Jesus into my heart, but I never understood until recently that there was more to salvation than just praying a prayer as a child.
News flash church, the doctrine can't save you… only Jesus can.
I have spent the better part of the last decade, completely aware of my sin, but I lacked all understanding on how to crawl back to the church… but in many ways, that was my problem. Even as an adult, I was worried about the church, not about being right with God. I have spent years wandering around, lost with no direction on how to get back to church when I should have been thinking about getting back to Jesus. Religion in many cases, teaches the dedication to the church and not the relationship with Jesus… Church is important, but Jesus is everything. Unfortunately, I didn't always know that truth, I thought being a Christian meant following all the rules the church laid out… instead of following the Jesus that died on the cross of my sins.
I didn't always know to put my faith in Jesus and not the church.
I have known since I was five years old that I am a sinner. I know that I am flawed… but I don't remember truly understanding a message of hope. As a child, I was never told that through Jesus, He can make me beautiful, flawless, loved, wanted, and worthy. I was never told the story of grace or redemption or simply, "it's okay to be broken…" As an adult, I just wish that the church would stop pretending to be perfect, that the leaders would step down off their pedestals, and realize teaching young children truth in Jesus should be the UPMOST priority… teaching a RELATIONSHIP with Christ is the hope many people need. It was the hope I needed and still need...
So because I know I can't, even though I want to, but I know it would be absolutely impossible, here's FIVE things that if I could go back in time, I would tell the little eleven year old, Southern Baptist version of me:
Them eyebrows though… #sixthgrade #churchcamp
1. Above everything else, YOU ARE LOVED. Christ willingly died on the cross so that you could see God's love for you. A thousand Facebook friends or a million Twitter followers, five hundred likes on a picture, or a dozen notifications, none of that matters and it does NOT equal love. Love is from Christ… and Christ loves you so much more than anyone else could ever try. Young Ted, God loves you so much more and so much deeper than you could ever imagine. Accept His love, not love from some boy with a nickname from one of Shakespeare's pieces. Christ's love is forever.
2. It's okay to dance. Don't twerk. Don't stanky leg it up. Don't superman that hoe. While your at it, you probably shouldn't booty pop it either, but you can dance. Worship God with words and dance, raise your arms, lift your hands, move your feet… sing as loud as you can. Let the holy spirit move in your heart, don't be afraid of feeling the music and lifting your voice and moving your feet to show God praise. Music and dance is a beautiful thing… and when you're not praising Jesus, it's okay to dance and be silly too. Young Ted, Loosen up… dancing is fun. You won't be sent to the flames.
3. There's always redemption. Don't use it as an excuse to sin, but don't be afraid to come back because you messed up in some horrible, huge, and life-shattering way. So you went to the casino and lost a bunch of money… so you went out and drank at a party because you thought that's what college was… so you threw a party at your parent's house when they went out of town (Sorry mom & dad… honesty is new), so you haven't picked up your bible in five thousand years and you accidentally wore last night's crazy outfit to a sunday morning church service, so you yelled and cursed out an old lady driving too slow on the highway, so you made a mistake and now have no idea where to turn, there's grace and Jesus is waiting for you with open arms to come back. Some wise teacher once said, "There is nothing you could ever do to make Jesus love you more and there's nothing you could ever do to make Jesus love you less." Young Ted, please believe that and please never be afraid to come back to Christ, He takes brokenness and makes it beautiful. Redemption only comes through the cross. Please, trust in that.
4. Eat less cookies. Read your Bible more. Eat a cookie ONLY after you read, maybe… at least then both your mind and heart and belly would be full and you won't just be a nearly mid-twenty fatty, lacking all direction and Bible knowledge. The Southern Baptist church will tell you an unspoken rule, "That whenever two or more baptists are gathered, let there be food…" That doesn't always mean the dessert table should come first, Ted, go for the salad every now and then.
5. Friends, and more importantly, boys will come and go… Jesus is forever. The friends you have in high school will be gone in a blink of an eye. Young Ted, at sixteen, you have no idea what forever means so stop using the term BFF as if it's a contract. You'll also save yourself a lot of heartache if you would realize that boys can't love you at sixteen… Those relationships are in many cases, especially yours, temporary and fleeting, choose a relationship with Christ and invest your time in that instead of chasing smelly boys. A relationship with Christ can give you so much more joy, value, and worth… Christ will be there through the heartbreaks, all the BFF drama, and broken dreams. If you listen to absolutely nothing else that I say, I beg you to choose a relationship with Christ over everything else of this world. Young Ted, in the end, Christ is the only thing that will be worth it.
I was once cute, adorable, and wore bright pink everything… #tenyearsold
To be honest, part of me wishes that religion hadn't failed me and I had grown up and gone to college with these truths in my heart… but honestly, part of me is thankful that I did grow up the way I did and that I, sitting here as an adult now, I am glad religion failed me… because today, I get it. I just get it. I get that God loves me for me, despite who I have become. I understand the pain Jesus willingly went through out of love, I understand that death has no power because Jesus destroyed that when He rose from the dead three days later… I get that there is nothing I have ever done or could ever do that will keep Christ from loving me. I can't always wrap my head around it, but today, I get it and I can accept that… I don't know if that would be possible had I always stayed on the straight and narrow. The understanding I have of this truth now is so much greater than I ever could have had as a child and I am thankful for that. Grace is worth so much more to me after I have lived and failed miserably... than it was when I said the word, "crap."
… but the other part of me wants the truth in every little girl's heart so she doesn't become as lost and confused as I am, so that she can find Jesus and love Him longer and that she can grow up never knowing the pain and weight of living for herself.
Southern Baptists, man up. Church, I urge you to teach truth… it really can be the difference between life and death.
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