Massacres of EVIL never win

Everyone who knows me knows that my love for entertainment and movies is something I proudly want to share with the world. I love spending every ounce of my free time either watching new releases, catching reruns of classics, or having full conversations with movie quotes. Movies have been one of my first loves, they have taught me to dream, to love, to cry my heart out, to believe, to laugh, to be content. The entertainment world, in general, has been my escape from reality and has taught me more things about being human than any classroom ever has.

My father jokingly says I should have chosen to major in movies instead of social work because that's where my heart is… and truthfully, he's right. I live in a world where I have the privilege to have so many shows and movies at my fingertips, two theaters within 5 miles of my house, and a DVD collection as diverse as they come.

However, I also live simultaneously in the same world where violence is found in nearly every corner of this broken world. I live in a world where I have to fear sending my six year old child into her classroom. I live in a world where I have to fear celebrating my 30th birthday with a midnight viewing of a classic film. I live in a world where I have to fear running down the street in a nation's marathon tradition. I live in a world where I have to fear when my military neighbor goes into work. I live in a world where I have to fear attending a prayer meeting in my own church in my own country.

I live in a world where innocent lives are gunned down in schools, in movie theaters, in terrorist attacks,  in churches, in neighborhoods, in military workplaces, and in my own community. I live in a world where, truthfully, there is no safety or security.

As I watched the news coverage early into the morning Friday, my heart once again ached for the terror found spread across the faces of people fleeing from the scene, of red and blue lights flashing, as reports of the wounded and fatalities were coming forward. I've never been to The Grand in Lafayette, Louisiana, but I have countless times, usually on a weekly basis, sat in a movie theater excited for a new movie, good fun, and a box popcorn. It's an activity that is an American favorite and the latest place that I have learned to fear. When does the senseless violence end?

I remember feeling this same sense of heartbreak and confusion when the Aurora, Colorado shooting happened during the midnight viewing of The Dark Knight Rises back in 2012. I stood around the TV that weekend back in my childhood home surrounded by my family, completely devastated, angry, and broken. I remember being upset when the news anchor called it a "Movie Massacre," standing in disbelief that those two words would even be found next to each other. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now, just barely three years later.

There is so much darkness that surrounds events like this… how heavy just breathing can seem… how hard it is so keep the TV on and believe good things can happen in this world.

I don't know when such hate entered this world… I don't understand senseless acts of violence. I don't understand, I just cannot comprehend the evil living inside of people. That fact might make me seem like a sheltered, uneducated, naive girl, but my heart aches for the brokenness that I in. I live in a broken world, a hateful world, where evil has taken root and has shown it's ugly face over and over and over again. This isn't just an "American" problem… it is not just a problem with the West, or the Middle East, but our entire world from Louisiana to Colorado to Texas to England to Syria and to Sydney. Our world is broken… there is evil on every continent, in every country, and in small towns like Lafayette. Our world is in a desperate need for good people to step up, to shine brighter than the destruction, and to show hope exists even when darkness seems to prevail. 

I have no intention of pushing an agenda about gun control, even though in my mind, I wish that was the answer. I don't know what the answer is. It might mean stricter mental health laws or more treatment options, maybe it's about punishing those more severely who illegally sell and purchase weapons… maybe it means educating the public about safety… or making everywhere we go as safe as airports with metal detectors and armed police officers ready to protect the public. I don't know the answer, but I dream of the day when stories like these will no longer be common and lives won't be ruined by violence. 

When will this madness stop? When will people put down their weapons and stop targeting innocent individuals who are looking forward to a night of a good fun, good movies, and a box of popcorn? When will I feel safe in the world, in my own community, or in my town's theater?

Personally, I don't care about the guns… I care about the heroic people who lost their lives trying to save others… of those who ran towards the danger, putting their own lives in harm's way to save people they never even knew. Why do I continue to watch the news coverage? I watch to see the light in the world, to give me hope that the good will drive out the evil… I watch for stories of heroism, of a woman diving on top of her friend, getting shot, but still finding the strength to pull the fire alarm saving countless other lives. These stories give me hope that someday good will win.

Truthfully, I pray the end is near. I pray that Jesus is going to reach down and wipe this world away… I am tired of seeing the same violence covering our screens where entertainment is supposed to take us out of reality and give us a break from the pressures of real life. I pray for the day where I don't have to fear walking on my own campus, worshipping my God, or watching a new movie that I have eagerly anticipated it's release. I pray for the day when Jesus comes and a new Heaven and Earth will be created.

I pray for the families of the Lafayette, LA victims, Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson, those that were wounded and the hundreds of survivors. I pray for comfort, peace, and healing. I think I speak for everyone when I say, we are here supporting and lifting you up… we are grieving with you. 

Mayci Breaux & Jillian Johnson

As Louisiana governor, Bobby Jindal said, "Tonight is an awful night for Lafayette, an awful night for Louisiana, and an awful night for the United States. But we will get through this."

"He is jealous for me, love's like a hurricane."

My favorite quote ever that has ever been said by another human is this, "What the hell are you thinking, child? You wouldn't know what love was even if it smacked you in the face and drove over you with it's car four hundred times!" I can laugh about it now, sitting here a little bit closer to figuring love out… but back then, it was painfully accurate. I didn't know what love was… I don't honestly even know if I knew what love was two months ago. 

My idea of love was wrapped up with one question, "What can you do for me?" I didn't know what unconditional love was, how to accept it, or even if I wanted anything to do with it. It was a concept I didn't know… 

God loves you. Blah, blah, blah. To be honest, that phrase is terribly overused and has been sugared down that it virtually has no impact on a dying world… I can sit here and say in a thousand different ways how I know that God loves me and you or that Jesus showed love when He died, or anything, but the point is it isn't going to matter to anyone… the power of that phrase, "God loves you…" has no meaning until personally you stop hearing it, start believing it, and apply it to your own life. I grew up in church, by 21, it had no meaning to me…none. I had to personally encounter Jesus in a real and desperate way before I ever understood the power of such a love. I think the only way to reach people with the love of Christ is for us, as Christians, to stop just saying it and start letting people encounter it. We, as Christians, need to start embodying that love and start walking it to people in our world. Zip, Zero, there's no other choice. 

If you have had a single conversation with me or known me my entire life… or even if you have read anything I have written, you should know that following Christ is a relatively new choice for me. I haven't always purposefully lived my life for Him. In the last month, my eyes have truly been opened to love and grace and redemption and salvation and truth… but more importantly, I realized everything I was doing wrong when it came to relationships and love. 

I have known since I was a child that "Christians date Christians…" I know it's somewhere in the bible that believers shouldn't date unbelievers and there's passages that talk about "being equally yoked" but in my mind, none of that mattered to me. I had this mindset that I'll fall in love with whoever I want… that thinking has only caused me problems, given me a hundred broken hearts, made me feel hopeless, and shattered my idea of what love was. 

I chose the wrong person to fall in love with… 

I looked to other people for comfort and security and acceptance and love. Sin is sin… no matter what it is, it is as black as it comes and it leaves trails of hurt and shame and fear and darkness. The moment I looked for love in places other than Christ was the moment I sinned. I made a lifestyle out of putting everything else before the God that created me, who loved me and sent His son to die for me. My love life was hopeless from the beginning… because I never made it about Christ. I made it about me and what someone else could do for me. 

I've learned a lot in the last month… I've learned in many ways what absolutely NOT to do. But I have also learned about real love, real grace, real security, real hope… I have learned to be real. I took a leap of faith a month ago and decided that Jesus might be the real deal and that just maybe, trusting Him wouldn't be a bad idea & HE HAS BLOWN MY WORLD AWAY. I decided to become a part of the greatest love story known to mankind and I have fallen in love with the greatest man who has ever walked this Earth… who while I was still a sinner, chose to die for me.

"He is jealous for me… 

Love's like a hurricane, and I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden, 

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your

affections are for me."

-"How He Loves"

 It doesn't get any better than that. That is love at it's finest, no man could ever love me the way Christ loves me. I know that, I don't understand it, but with everything that I am, I believe it. For the first time in my entire life, love isn't something that I'm chasing after. I don't need anything other than the love of Christ… it is Him who gives me life, not some boy who sends me "good morning" texts and buys me pretty flowers. In comparison to the cross, flowers don't even make the list. 

News flash, guys, real love can't be explained in emojis. 

Thankfully for me, it's not my milkshake that is going to bring all the boys to the yard… it's the future that God has planned for me. I know God has the perfect man picked out for me and I know that when He sees fit and when I am ready, He will let that man blow my world away even more than I thought possible. I trust in that, I trust in the future God has planned and I have hope in Him… no one else. 

Take notes, boys...
So because God is teaching me crazy new things about life and love and everything in between, here is a list of everything I never knew I wanted in a man: 

1. The man I love MUST love Jesus. I'm not saying the man I love must occasionally go to church and he might casually throw the word "christian" around… I am saying, the man I love who will be my husband someday, MUST with everything he is, LOVE Christ. I not only think this is biblical for believers, but I know this is the ONLY choice God has for my future marriage. 

2. The man I love MUST have a relationship with Jesus. This is similar to the above, but I not ONLY want my future husband to LOVE Christ, I want Him to follow Him, talk to Him, consult Him, trust Him, and have faith in His plans, not his own-- or mine. 

LASTLY, 
3. The man I love MUST choose Jesus over me. Honestly. I believe the only way a relationship and future marriage will ever work out is if Jesus is at the very center. I want a relationship with a man who believes strongly that God is in control and that we, even our marriage, is nothing without the grace of God and the love of Christ. 

My sister is my sister… I'm a Christian & she's still my sister.

I live in the age of rainbow colored hearts, apps that create rainbow colored pictures, and as many articles in both directions that I have never cared to read. To be honest, I have many friends who not only support gay rights, but also claim to live that lifestyle as well… and in many ways, I support them, because they are human. I am a Christian, who tries to pray for direction and guidance before my feet hit the floor each day, who believes every word written in the bible to be true, but who lives in a fallen, broken world and who has made more mistakes than most people do in their entire lifetime. As a follower of Christ, who refuses to make a judgement in either direction, who am I to condemn? Was I not called to love, instead?

A few months ago, one of my friends that I had come to be quite fond of was scrolling through pictures on Facebook and asked, "This girl looks like you, is that your sister?" I took a look at the picture, laughed out loud, and said, "Yeah, that's my sister. She's hilarious! I think you would like her!" I shared stories about her uncanny sense of humor, her ability to care about others whether she knows them or not, and how she could honestly be blood related to Melissa McCarthy. She not only looks like her to an absolute T… but in every movie I have ever watched with Melissa in it, I either have seen Connie do something similar or can see her doing the exact same thing. Facial expressions, witty comments, all of it, every time. Without fail. 

I told him, "Click on her profile… you'll die. Her cover photo is her dressed as a wrestler when she went to see their like 100th episode or something." We laughed for a few minutes, he thought she was hysterical… "She has a nice body too. Look at that bikini!" I had completely forgotten that she had very poorly photoshopped her head onto a model's body… and then proceeded to make it her profile picture with the caption that read, "Loving my new hair!"

Those curls though...

We were scrolling through photos and I was telling him all about my sister, who before I go any further, I am absolutely proud to be her baby sister… there's not a day that goes by that I wish anything was different. I love her for exactly who she is. In my mind, she is my sister… there's not a chance that I would put any other label in front of that. He scrolled through her pictures and stopped, "Wait… who is that?" 

"That's her girlfriend," I said. "She's like the perfect person for Connie. I think they just balance each other out perfectly." Never once have I ever been ashamed of my sister and I wasn't about to start now. 

"You're sister is a lesbian… how does that work?"

At first, I couldn't help but to laugh. I wasn't actually sure of where the conversation was going and was just imagining the conversation I was about to have with my very Godly, straight and narrow, never done anything wrong, bible reading friend. I laughed as I said, "How does what work?"

"If she's a lesbian. You're a Christian, right? How does that work?"

I stopped laughing… and stared at the table in front of us, clicked on my phone as I do in awkward situations, and sat silent for a few moments. 

I have this mindset of protecting the people I love and in all of my years since my sister has "come out," I've never, honestly, had a single person who had a problem with it-- never once have I ever thought of it as a hinderance to my own personal faith or to the relationship I have with her. She's my sister and I know for a fact, even if she wasn't, Connie would be one of those people who I would proudly associate myself with. I have no words to explain the depth of the love I have for her. 

Once the anger subsided a little, I tried to reason with myself on the most appropriate answer to give… I took a deep breath and with as much kindness as I could find in that moment, I said, "I show her love, just as I would if she was straight. My relationship with Jesus makes me a Christian. If I allowed my sister's choice on who she loves to impact my personal relationship with him, wouldn't that be more of a problem than just choosing to love my sister?"

He reached over and grabbed a bible from underneath a chair, flipped the pages and read from 1 Corinthians 6, "Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 

Blood rushed to my face. I was fuming. "Are you joking? Do you think I haven't read that? You also just said my sister had a "nice body," doesn't that make you sexually immoral because of lust?" I put my hands on my knees, getting ready to stand up to walk away before I punched this kid's glasses into his face and the first thing that came to mind was obviously what I said, a bible verse from Galatians that I learned during my first year at Mizzou, "The entire law is summed up in one command, love your neighbor as yourself, you idiot." I obviously added the "you idiot," onto the end for effect… although I think Jesus may have been able to get his points across more firmly had he used insults… or maybe not. 

I stood up, turned to face him and said, "How does that work? It works because I love her and I don't throw the bible in her face, and I respect her for who she is, and I won't judge her or anyone else that lives differently than I do." I have very little self-control over anger, I know it's a problem, but by this time, honestly, I wanted to smack the love of Jesus in him. "You want to judge me, do it. But don't you dare judge my sister, who you only know through a few photos on Facebook. If you hate "them" so much and you're a Christian, how does that work?" I turned around and headed towards the door. 

I called his name in a room full of people and said, "Read John 8," and I walked out of the room to never go back to that church again. 

I kicked my tires a couple times… punched the steering wheel… probably said a couple words that started with "F" and for the first time in my entire life, I understood why so many people who are broken, hurt, lost, living in sin, whatever, are refusing to walk inside the doors of churches. Personally, for me, I want to be where I am accepted… and if the world was accepting of me, wouldn't that be my first choice? I don't judge them… In fact, after this conversation, I actually understood them.

Church, we need to step up and show love.

I am a Christian and my sister is a lesbian, simply put, I don't think either one calls me to hate the other… I will praise the name of Jesus for giving me the funniest, most kind hearted, incredibly witty, I have no idea what she is going to do next, takes pictures with dead squirrels, loves me so incredibly much, is terrible at photoshop, loves with her whole being, and respects me and my faith just as much as I respect her personal choice to live her life the way she wants. I am so thankful that God gave me my sister… not despite of who she is but because of who she is. 

I mean, come on… 

what thirty something hangs out with their 20 something sister at Chuck E Cheese. 

I don't need to read articles written by radical Christians who live so far in the past that they can't even understand why people would rather choose to continue down whatever path they have chosen than to set foot in a church. I can't stand to associate myself with people who are so aware of everyone else's sin that they can't even find the log in their own eye. 

For Matthew 7:5 says, 

"You deceive yourself! First take the log out of your eye, and then you'll see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother or sister's eye."

Love doesn't win, guys… it already has won. Go back to your roots, to your favorite childhood passage, "For God so LOVED the WORLD that he gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." Keep going. "For God sent his son into the world, NOT TO CONDEMN, but that the world through him might be saved." -John 3:16-17

THAT IS LOVE at it's finest, in it's most precious and purest form. 

God loved the world, not just saints and church goers who live perfect lives and never fall off the straight and narrow path, he loves the world… including me and my sister and my friend, and you, and everyone else no matter the sin or lifestyle they choose. Jesus paid much too high of a price for us, mere men, to pick and choose who is worthy enough for us to show kindness and love and acceptance… The price he paid on the cross was a debt we could never pay, the cost was much too high for us to choose who should come and follow Him. 

I would rather go to a church full of sin, full of gays and lesbians, full of strippers and hookers, and gamblers and dancers, and single mothers with children born out of wedlock, and drunks… than a congregation full of narrow minded, hateful, and unaccepting saints. 

Who am I to condemn my sister? I try to follow Jesus with everything I am and I will be the first to stand in front of my sister and defend her… because I care… because I was called to love… because I do know the truth and my relationship with Jesus tells me to. 

She even supports my school-- MU.

My sister and her girlfriend are the two most giving and selfless people I know. I not only accept them & respect them as people, I couldn't imagine my life or family without either one of them. I think I speak for my entire family when I say that. 

How does that work?

I love my sister because she rides around town with me blaring ghetto music, who screams over bad lyrics, likes Dairy Queen, but loves Ted Drews, isn't afraid to give me tough love, doesn't shy away from hard conversations, who believes in me probably more than I believe in myself. I love her not because of her sexual orientation, but because she is crazy, plays in sewers, always opens her home to me and lives with confidence to be herself in a world that tells her otherwise.

She has loved me when I wasn't so lovable, made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, and even friended people on Facebook just to stick up for me. She gives me words of wisdom like my favorite, "After 150, it all goes down hill… stop eating or throw up if you have to. Trust me, you don't want to be fat." or "If you don't know want you're doing, make eye contact and walk as fast as you can away from the situation." Above everything else, she has stayed on the phone talking to me for hours, told me to "man up" when I needed to hear it, and has always tried her hardest to be a part of my life- even when I tried to push everyone out. 

There is just no one else in the world that can make me laugh as hard as her. 

I am proud to be her baby sister, not because of a label, but because she knows how to love people better than many of the Christians I know. To judge her from a single Facebook photo or because of a label is not of Christ. To know Connie is to love her and if you know me or my family, you know just how true that is… and if you don't know her, I encourage you to. 

My relationship with my sister has absolutely no bearing on my relationship with Christ.. In fact, it probably pushes me to be more like Christ and to show more love and to be more accepting had I not been given my sister. 

I don't know what is it like to live in a world where others are constantly debating over whether or not the person I love is something that should be legal. I don't know what it is like to be a lesbian or to struggle with those thoughts, I don't know because I don't know so I could never give a judgment… I can simply say what the bible says in a gentle, loving way… without adding "you idiot" onto passages that I feel need more emphasis… but as I have said before, I do believe that my God is bigger and his love is deeper than anything else. 

So because I referenced it earlier, I'll put it here to end; 

John 8: 1-11

"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn, he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 

They were using this questions as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Again, he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until nay Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, sir." She said. 

"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

I wasn't joking about the dead squirrel pictures… 

Growing up Southern Baptist in a broken church… how religion failed me.

Note: 

I only have experience in one Southern Baptist Church that I went to from birth- 18 years old, I'm not bashing the church, the religion, or any other doctrine… I'm sure other denominations are all guilty of the same things. I just wanted to write a post that put the emphasis on Jesus Christ and away from all the other stuff that doesn't matter, in hopes that even one person will see Jesus is the answer… This isn't me bashing the religion, as I still attend a Southern Baptist Church, this is me simply pointing out that there is a problem with the church when the rules interfere with a relationship with Christ. 

That bandana though… #badass #badtothebone

For years, whenever anyone would ask me the, "So... what are you?" question referring to my faith, I would stumble over my words, struggling to pinpoint exactly what I was. My answer never had much to do with stating my faith or that I followed Jesus, it was usually a variation of this; "I don't know. I was raised Southern Baptist." Every single time, I would come to realize that truthfully, I didn't know many things about my faith, or why I believed what I did, or anything surrounding religion… I did know that there have been periods where I completely doubted my faith and my salvation, refusing to even acknowledge Jesus Christ. 

This wasn't just a problem I had as a adult, even as a child, I was quick to list off things that I knew I couldn't do, but it was hard for me to think about things I did believe.

I found an old journal a while back that I had kept, in which I signed proudly, Tedi Leigh Ellis, 11 years old, to which I confessed my most awful sins of that time period… I wrote, "I cursed today even when I knew I shouldn't. I was trying to make Amanda like me so I said 'Crap!' Last week, I said, "Oh my God," when I wasn't praying or singing. I was just mad. I'm sorry God."

Today, nearly twelve years later… I wish "Crap" was the worst thing I've ever said. Today alone, I've probably muttered, "Oh my God," in at least a dozen different settings and I can guarantee I wasn't praying or worshipping. Sometimes I wish I could go back and hang out with the "Preteen Tedi," I think I would like her. She wore a few too many bandanas and thought she was a gangster, her fashion sense was questionable but she seemed to have good morals.. or at least she did on February 2,  2003 when she regretted saying, "Crap!" to impress her friend.

I was raised Southern Baptist, which doesn't necessarily mean we drink sweet tea during prayer meetings, hang out on porch swings with open bibles, and live in the South like the name suggests… at least I don't think Missouri is south. I was raised in the church, every time those doors were cracked open, my little behind was sitting on a pew… or a terribly uncomfortable wooden chair. I knew better than to say the good Lord's name in vain, I promised not to have sex before marriage, swore to never drink any liquor, and was more than aware of the "No Dancing" rule. I knew we didn't gamble and I was quick to judge those who I knew spent their money "on the boat." My older sister once told me about buying scratchers from the gas station and I just about held my own prayer meeting and revival for her soul… I think she probably sat on my Sunday School Prayer list for two whole years. 

 I knew those rules I was raised on were a sure way to get pass the holy gates of gold… I remember around sixth grade, asking one of my counselors at a children's camp why there wasn't a commandment about dancing… I just thought the rules of the church were somehow part of the Ten Commandments given by Moses. I know now, had I followed every single rule of the Southern Baptist doctrine, had I passed away, I still would have been eternally separated from God, because I had no relationship and no understanding of who He was in my life… or in general. 

I knew nearly every word to "Amazing Grace" and "How Great Thou Art" and don't even get me started on "The Ole Rugged Cross," which played every Sunday during the altar call.  I knew John 3:16, Genesis 1:1, and with prompting could recite "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." If memorization was part of salvation, I would've been the first one to sing hymns through the streets of gold. There was a lot of things I knew about my church, I knew the baptism water was pretty cold, not to run in church, and to only color on activity paper, NOT Holy Bibles on the back of the pews. I knew there was a God, I knew of Jesus, and I knew classic bible stories like Noah, Jonah, and Moses… but I didn't know Jesus.

To be blunt, growing up as a Southern Baptist church kid, religion failed me terribly.

I have nothing bad to say about the religion itself, as after doing my own research in the last couple weeks, Southern Baptist doctrine is sound and clear, it's just that many times, especially in my childhood church, the church itself lacks the follow through needed to truly teach what Baptists claim to follow. I think, in many cases, the truth gets lost in the rules. I won't blame religion, or the church I grew up in, or my parents, or anyone for the lack of knowledge I had… maybe it was my fault for not paying attention or not retaining the information, I am simply saying I wish I had learned these truths before I did as a college student. The church itself, at least in my experience, told me exactly what not to do, and somewhere between that journal page and now, the world I knew fell a part and I had no foundation to help me stand back up. As a church kid, religion got in the way. I never understood the message of grace and love and acceptance and forgiveness and community and RELATIONSHIP. I was taught about salvation, about asking Jesus into my heart, but I never understood until recently that there was more to salvation than just praying a prayer as a child.

News flash church, the doctrine can't save you… only Jesus can. 

I have spent the better part of the last decade, completely aware of my sin, but I lacked all understanding on how to crawl back to the church… but in many ways, that was my problem. Even as an adult, I was worried about the church, not about being right with God. I have spent years wandering around, lost with no direction on how to get back to church when I should have been thinking about getting back to Jesus. Religion in many cases, teaches the dedication to the church and not the relationship with Jesus… Church is important, but Jesus is everything. Unfortunately, I didn't always know that truth, I thought being a Christian meant following all the rules the church laid out… instead of following the Jesus that died on the cross of my sins.

I didn't always know to put my faith in Jesus and not the church. 

I have known since I was five years old that I am a sinner. I know that I am flawed… but I don't remember truly understanding a message of hope. As a child, I was never told that through Jesus, He can make me beautiful, flawless, loved, wanted, and worthy. I was never told the story of grace or redemption or simply, "it's okay to be broken…" As an adult, I just wish that the church would stop pretending to be perfect, that the leaders would step down off their pedestals, and realize teaching young children truth in Jesus should be the UPMOST priority… teaching a RELATIONSHIP with Christ is the hope many people need. It was the hope I needed and still need...

So because I know I can't, even though I want to, but I know it would be absolutely impossible, here's FIVE things that if I could go back in time, I would tell the little eleven year old, Southern Baptist version of me:

Them eyebrows though… #sixthgrade #churchcamp

1. Above everything else, YOU ARE LOVED. Christ willingly died on the cross so that you could see God's love for you. A thousand Facebook friends or a million Twitter followers, five hundred likes on a picture, or a dozen notifications, none of that matters and it does NOT equal love. Love is from Christ… and Christ loves you so much more than anyone else could ever try. Young Ted, God loves you so much more and so much deeper than you could ever imagine. Accept His love, not love from some boy with a nickname from one of Shakespeare's pieces. Christ's love is forever.

2. It's okay to dance. Don't twerk. Don't stanky leg it up. Don't superman that hoe. While your at it, you probably shouldn't booty pop it either, but you can dance. Worship God with words and dance, raise your arms, lift your hands, move your feet… sing as loud as you can. Let the holy spirit move in your heart, don't be afraid of feeling the music and lifting your voice and moving your feet to show God praise. Music and dance is a beautiful thing… and when you're not praising Jesus, it's okay to dance and be silly too. Young Ted, Loosen up… dancing is fun. You won't be sent to the flames.

3. There's always redemption. Don't use it as an excuse to sin, but don't be afraid to come back because you messed up in some horrible, huge, and life-shattering way. So you went to the casino and lost a bunch of money… so you went out and drank at a party because you thought that's what college was… so you threw a party at your parent's house when they went out of town (Sorry mom & dad… honesty is new), so you haven't picked up your bible in five thousand years and you accidentally wore last night's crazy outfit to a sunday morning church service, so you yelled and cursed out an old lady driving too slow on the highway, so you made a mistake and now have no idea where to turn, there's grace and Jesus is waiting for you with open arms to come back. Some wise teacher once said, "There is nothing you could ever do to make Jesus love you more and there's nothing you could ever do to make Jesus love you less." Young Ted, please believe that and please never be afraid to come back to Christ, He takes brokenness and makes it beautiful. Redemption only comes through the cross. Please, trust in that.

4. Eat less cookies. Read your Bible more. Eat a cookie ONLY after you read, maybe… at least then both your mind and heart and belly would be full and you won't just be a nearly mid-twenty fatty, lacking all direction and Bible knowledge. The Southern Baptist church will tell you an unspoken rule, "That whenever two or more baptists are gathered, let there be food…" That doesn't always mean the dessert table should come first, Ted, go for the salad every now and then.

5. Friends, and more importantly, boys will come and go… Jesus is forever. The friends you have in high school will be gone in a blink of an eye. Young Ted, at sixteen, you have no idea what forever means so stop using the term BFF as if it's a contract. You'll also save yourself a lot of heartache if you would realize that boys can't love you at sixteen… Those relationships are in many cases, especially yours, temporary and fleeting, choose a relationship with Christ and invest your time in that instead of chasing smelly boys. A relationship with Christ can give you so much more joy, value, and worth… Christ will be there through the heartbreaks, all the BFF drama, and broken dreams. If you listen to absolutely nothing else that I say, I beg you to choose a relationship with Christ over everything else of this world. Young Ted, in the end, Christ is the only thing that will be worth it.

I was once cute, adorable, and wore bright pink everything… #tenyearsold

To be honest, part of me wishes that religion hadn't failed me and I had grown up and gone to college with these truths in my heart… but honestly, part of me is thankful that I did grow up the way I did and that I, sitting here as an adult now, I am glad religion failed me… because today, I get it. I just get it. I get that God loves me for me, despite who I have become. I understand the pain Jesus willingly went through out of love, I understand that death has no power because Jesus destroyed that when He rose from the dead three days later… I get that there is nothing I have ever done or could ever do that will keep Christ from loving me. I can't always wrap my head around it, but today, I get it and I can accept that… I don't know if that would be possible had I always stayed on the straight and narrow. The understanding I have of this truth now is so much greater than I ever could have had as a child and I am thankful for that. Grace is worth so much more to me after I have lived and failed miserably... than it was when I said the word, "crap." 

… but the other  part of me wants the truth in every little girl's heart so she doesn't become as lost and confused as I am, so that she can find Jesus and love Him longer and that she can grow up never knowing the pain and weight of living for herself. 

Southern Baptists, man up. Church, I urge you to teach truth… it really can be the difference between life and death. 

[insert bar jokes here]

I am terribly hopeless. At this point, my faith is weak and my heart is full of anger. Most of my days are a struggle between acknowledging that I am the child of a God who adores me; all while trying to find my place in this cold, hard world that looks mighty appealing… it's not easy to admit that I am drowning, completely afraid of being eaten alive by everything I swore to never become. 

I have no idea who I am. 

"What can I get for you?" If there's anything in this world that I have learned, it's that being in a bar on a Tuesday night is the exact same as putting on a name tag that says, "Help. I am broken." There's nothing more pathetic than trying to make alcohol your friend, trying to drown out the loneliness and hurt, refusing to accept that somewhere off in the distance, out the door, and around the corner, there may be a little bit of hope for you. Sometimes, hope is too hard to hold onto. 

Before I could answer, I heard a familiar voice from behind me, "When are you going to learn?" I turned around, laughed, wrapped my arms around my friend's neck, and smiled… "Of course YOU, of all people, would be here." 

He signaled for the bartenders attention and said, "She'll take a water." We both laughed as he took a seat next to me. "So, tell me about how hard your life is… I've been waiting for some good 'Tedi' stories." 

There were a thousand things running through my head. I had just barely survived the day without breaking a nail, I was fighting with my best friend, refusing to talk to my family, and mentally, I was standing at a crossroads, low on faith, and even lower on patience. "I hate everyone." was the only thing I could get out before tears welled up in my eyes. 

There was silence for a few minutes. The bartender stood at the other side of the bar, pouring a drink for an older man, while casually talking about the Cardinals. There's just something about bars that have never really appealed to me, maybe it's the clinking of the glass bottles, the squeaking of the barstools, the smell of cigarettes, or the coldness of the room… but in that moment, all of those things were more welcome in my life than the advice of anyone else--especially him. 

"You know… I think somewhere along the line you got turned around and screwed up, you lost your footing, got angry and stopped believing in something you know deep down is the answer." He fell silent and we both stared off into space, sitting side by side on barstools in a nearly empty bar. "God loves you sitting on this chair just as He loves you sitting on a pew. He knew you would wind up here and still, He sent Jesus to the cross."  

Truthfully, his words made me angry. "God doesn't love me!" I snapped back, knowing there was absolutely no truth in the words I said. Anyone that knows me well knows that when backed into a corner, teeth and nails come out and I willingly create paths of destruction to avoid dealing with the real problem at hand. 

Deep down, I know God loves me. I've been taught that since I was a child. Love is not the problem, because I know it's there, waiting for me to realize and accept it. I might not understand why, I might question it on a daily basis, but I do know it's there…

The problem is me. I am impossible. I am unbelievably lost and scared of facing a world that I don't even know how to be a part of, I am confused, unwilling to give up control, afraid of getting hurt, and terrified of disappointing everyone I love. I hate that I am 23 years old and I have absolutely no idea what my future holds.

THIS ISN'T HOW I PLANNED THINGS. I want to stomp my feet, throw tantrums, and scream away the hurt. I want to push every single person away, including God, simply because I hate that I am no where closer to figuring God out than I was as an eight year old sitting through VBS learning all about the ABC's of Christianity.

Do you even see me, God? Why would you put me on this earth without a purpose? Where are you, God? Why can't I feel you? Why can't I see the bigger picture? Why does life have to be this hard? Why haven't you reached down and rescued me? Why won't you help me figure you out, why can't I understand?

Honestly, I want to be my own savior. I want to do things on my own, but I know that I can't. I know Jesus is the answer, the only answer, but my flesh fights against my heart, craving the promises of the world. 

… But still, in the middle of my hopelessness, in the middle of the night, I am reminded that God is so much bigger than I give Him credit for. His love for me is so great that I will probably never be able to wrap my head around it, but it's still good. His love is good, whether I acknowledge it or ignore it, whether I sit in a lonely bar, or worship Him in the biggest church, whether I run away or whether I choose to battle against the storm. His love is good… and his love is constant. 

… and if God is all I have, his love is enough. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

Midnight Revelations

I had been sitting at my desk in my college home that I share with two wonderful people, contemplating what my future looked like. I was trying, desperately to create some kind of magical plan that would send me running in some kind of direction. I have spent the last three years of my life, grasping at anything that looked even slightly promising. That explains why the last five years of my life has been named, "The Life Crisis" by anyone who knows me… my favorite highlights of this time period include the infamous 2011 move to Texas, the time I tried to learn guitar, and the time I decided sleeping was much more favorable to attending class… or work… or anything else. Success has not exactly defined the last five years… 

As I sat at my desk with the time nearing midnight, with tears streaming down my face, it suddenly hit me. I jumped out of my chair, ran through my room, down the hallway, slung open my roommate's door and asked, "Are you awake?" and then there was silence. 
After what seemed like forever, I heard a faint, "Yes, Tedi..." 

"Can I turn on the light?" 
"No." 

I jumped on her bed, hugged her pillow as I always did before I shared my big life revelations, and began to spill my plan to my half awake, very best friend. "I know what I want to do now, I want to go to Med School!" 

The lights were still out but I imagine she rolled her eyes… "Again? I thought we were over this. Tedi, you don't like blood… you hate school… you can't even put your own bandaids on. Go to bed." 

"But I'm serious this time, I think this is what I'm supposed to do!"

"TEDI! You can't go to med school… you can't even watch Grey's Anatomy without turning your head and covering your eyes if there's a scene with blood. No, we're not doing this again…"

Defeated simply because I knew she was right and also, because this has not been my first trip to "Maybe Med School" land, I quietly tried to argue, "But Chelsea, maybe I could just be a doctor for healthy people who aren't bleeding…" 

"That's not how it works, Ted…"

"I think I'm heading towards another life crisis…" 

"Again? The last one just ended like two days ago, you can't keep doing this every time the thought of adulthood approaches. People generally only get two or three life crises in their entire lifetime, you're maxed out on the allotted number of crises a person is allowed to have, EVER. I knew this was going to happen because we started talking about how this is your last year of school and the future… I knew we shouldn't have gone there. Go to bed, Ted, we'll figure it out tomorrow..."

She's right. I joke about it as if it doesn't bother me, but it does. My future is only a small part of my worries, I know my career plans were much more exciting when I was five years old, but the idea of what career I will do still sends me into a panic. But mostly, I am terrified of growing up. I am absolutely terrified of actually entering the world and becoming something… 

What if I fail? What if I mess up so big in the real world and everyone knows I don't have it together? What if someone actually gives me responsibility? What if I become accountable to someone other than myself? 

What if I disappoint everyone I love? What if I fail?

Adulthood scares me. It downright scares the marbles out of me… if I wasn't claiming to be following this new found faith, I would be openly sharing a whole lot of words that start with the letter 'F' just to get my point across. I am terrified of growing up… Twenty three is already about two years older than I ever wanted to be. I feel trapped, as if this thing called life suddenly sped up, refusing to allow me time to think and decide what my future holds… to quote the greatest show on Earth, "It's awful being a grownup, but the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off."-Grey's Anatomy

If you know me, you know I would never survive a day in Med School… I doubt I would ever even be accepted. To quote Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, "Your grades, my friend, aren't good enough to get you a slurpee." So there's no worries there. 

I don't know what tomorrow brings, let alone next month or five years into the future. I have no idea… and this is about the time every single year, when I start to hyperventilate and freak out and throw tantrums and refuse to face adulthood. But this year is different… this year, God gets to make the plan. I'm giving up control, I don't want to grow up, but I also have decided I am no longer going to be the girl who "stomps her feet, cries away her responsibilities, refuses to get out of bed, still eats ice cream and candy for dinner" and has the "I hate the world, no body understands me, I have no idea what to do attitude."

I have no clue what the future holds… but I think I am okay with that. I am perfectly content in giving my life and my future over to the one who CAN be trusted, who has plans greater than mine could ever be, and who loves me enough to know what is best for me. There is no one better to handle my life than the one who created it, my God is so much bigger and loves so much deeper than I ever dared to give Him credit for in the past. 

Med School may not be in my future, but whatever plans God does have for me, I only hope I will be ready when He chooses to reveal those to me. Until then, I'll leave you with a lovely moment of "Tedi Ellis" that was captured on film by the same wonderful, not afraid to speak truth, Chelsea above... I never claimed to have it all together. 

Please feel free to laugh at my tears-- I do. Sometimes I just don't want to be old…

"When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith. And trust that you can survive this. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." 

-Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)