In her tiny little mind, she had just won the lottery, became the ultimate chef, and had just created a masterpiece from her own hands-- she has spent so much time over the last 5 months, she has loved, and sacrificed, and begged, and willed this tiny flower to life-- and on Saturday, she handed it to me and said, "Keep it safe."
She had brought it to me, given it to me, and entrusted me to keep it safe, care for it, and to help it continue to grow. She excitedly proclaimed not by her words but with her gesture, "I made this, here it is, I trust you to keep it safe. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever created, here it is, I trust you!"
Most of you know by now that I am the owner of Tiger Bounce, a children's entertainment center in the heart of Columbia, Missouri. I am a business owner, which often times overshadows all the other roles of my life, and up until the last few months, I proudly and loudly proclaimed this. I was proud of my facility, I would defend it and my decisions with all I had, and I would fiercely give it my all to keep business booming, and to keep the doors open.
I still am proud of my facility. I still love my facility. I still get up every single day excited and happy to do the job I do, with the people I adore, and in this community that captured my heart as a college student. I absolutely love Tiger Bounce. I have worked, bled, sweated, and cried to make my job work. I have sacrificed a ton--my time, my energy, my family, my mental health, my life--to make it work. I have held on tightly to Tiger Bounce, gripping it with all that I have, refusing to let it slip, controlling every move, perfecting every turn, and I have stood in awe as Tiger Bounce has done well from a business stand point. I have lived comfortably and have wanted for nothing.
I have tossed & turned though -- day in & day out. I have been exhausted though, unable to turn off the stress & worry & fear. I have stood in the parking lot looking in and have been overcome with the constant reminder that if I fail, I fail families and children and dedicated & loyal employees, and I fail in the center of this town I love in front of everyone who said I would never make it. The fear of failing is most days incredibly scary for me--terrifying even-- that it leaves me wobbly, my brain altered, and my future blurry.
I have prayed for peace.
I have prayed for hope.
I have prayed for change.
I have prayed, I have heard, and I have ignored.
How do I wake up every day and walk into the fight, determined to keep Tiger Bounce open? God.
How do I make it work, willingly making sacrifices, to make this business succeed? God.
How do I keep going even when I am exhausted & tired & defeated? God.
How do I keep moving my feet & going forward? God.
Long before I said "Yes," to Tiger Bounce, I said "Yes," to my savior, my creator, my father, my God. I said "Yes, God, I will serve You." I said, "Yes, God, I will live for You." I said, "Yes, God, wherever you say go, I will go." I said, "Yes, God, whatever you ask of me, I will do." I said, "Yes, God, I will live my life to bring You glory, to make Your name known, & to put You first." I said, "Yes, God, yes!"
Since then, I have stumbled. I have fallen. I have made mistakes, walked away from my faith, depended on myself, forgotten the truth of the Bible, and have made foolish choices while proclaiming truth from my mouth. I have sinned, daily. I have slept in on Sunday mornings, proudly boasted of my accomplishments, lied about God's presence in my life, and have put more work into Tiger Bounce than I have my relationship with Christ. But, I know one truth. I know who my God is, I know His forgiveness, and I know who lives in me, and I know who is standing in front of me calling me to step out in faith, who is calling me to trust in Him alone.
God has been laying it on my heart and on my life to stop trying so hard. He has been speaking truth into my life and every prayer for peace has been answered with, "Child, give it to me." And as a child who holds on tightly to their blanket, I kept saying, "Mine, Mine, Mine, let me have it!" I have told the God of this world that I have it all under control, when in reality, He did. I have told the God of my life that he can be the God of my life, but not the God of my business, but in reality, He was already both. I have told the God of my future, my past, and my present, I want this more than I want you, but He stood faithful waiting for me.
And I have struggled. I have been ripped open raw. I have cried, I have stumbled, I have failed. My mental health has been broken. My happiness has shrunk. I have become someone I don't even recognize, chasing the next high, the next event, the next month's revenue. I have held on so tightly to this dream, making Tiger Bounce work, that I have failed. I have stressed and hurt and cried. Just as a child who screams, "Mine, Mine, Mine," I have kept an arm's length between me and God afraid He would take my dream away from me--afraid that me giving up even a little control would make me stumble and fall--afraid that it would break me and Tiger Bounce and this perfect world that I worked for. I was afraid the bottom would fall out. I was afraid the world would see that I was a nobody, a failure, a wreck. I was afraid that God couldn't do as good of a job as I could and that He would take my business away from me. I was afraid to trust Him.
And I have debated over the last two years who I am, who God is, and His plans for me. And I have reluctantly struggled to give ALL to him. I have struggled to give credit to Him. I have struggled to make His name known. I have struggled to lay down my life, unpack the baggage, and hand over my plans in exchange for His.
But today, that ends.
Before Tiger Bounce was mine, it was already His. He had plans for me, for Tiger Bounce, for my future LONG before I ever walked in the door as a mere college student looking for extra cash. It's always been His. God has orchestrated this beautiful masterpiece, has held onto the brush the entire time, sheltering me, providing for me, shielding me, protecting me, loving me, guiding me, and breathing life into my lungs even while I refused to look up and thank Him. He is, He has been, and He always will be the greatest painter, the greatest creator, and the only savior I will bow down to. He is the only one I would trust my life with, my business with, my future with, my tiny girl's life with, and everything else I dream of.
He is the only one I can trust.
Tiger Bounce is not my savior. It is not my answer to happiness. It is not anything, because He is Everything. God is my everything. And today, tomorrow, and every day after, I need to put Him first and I need to put Tiger Bounce second.
Today, I lay it all down. I give it to Him, what has always been His, except now I say, "More of You, Less of me, God." I say, "God, here is my platform, here is my people, here is my following, help me God, help me reach them for You."
I say today, "To Live is Christ." And I mean it.
Help me, God, help me become everything you have created me to be, everything you created Tiger Bounce to be, and help me become the good in this world, the light to the lost, and the hope in this failing world. Help me use Tiger Bounce to reach people with the hope that can ONLY be found in You. Help me, take it from me, and make it Yours.
Just as my girl brought me her flower that she cared for, and grew, and loved. I give you the business, I bring you everything I have, and I say proudly, just as excitedly, and just as hopeful, "Look God, look! I made this, here it is, I trust you to keep it safe. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever created, here it is, I trust you!"
Breathe new life into me. Breathe new life into Tiger Bounce. Let us both bloom and become and shine light into this broken world. I trust You. I can't do it alone anymore. I give it to You. I unpack it all at the cross, and with tears streaming down my face, I just want to make You proud, and say "Yes," over and over and over again.
Here it is, God. I trust You.
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