Go play.

Yesterday was really hard, as in I wasn't sure I would ever recover, hard. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and just ready to give up on parenting, business, life. It was too much, so I laid in bed and I cried out to God, crying for peace, begging for relief. 

I try every single day to provide some kind of "fun" for my kid... but I work a ton of hours, often even coming home with lists and lists of things to complete that I hardly rarely find the time to get on the floor and play legos every single night before I tuck my kid into bed. I do make it a priority to always put her to bed, read books, talk about our day, and kiss her goodnight. And I try, almost every day, to put something fun in her life, whether with a new activity, bike ride around the block, a few jumps on the trampoline, or even just a moment to eat a pretend dinner together that she cooked for me on her pretend kitchen. Often times, it's a pot filled with a piece of plastic bread, ketchup bottle, orange, tomato, cookie, and a spoon. It's nothing even close to a meal, or even close to appetizing, but she beams with pride as we "eat" it all and rub our bellies saying "I'm all full!" I eat everything she gives me though, and I top it off with a big drink from a tiny little teacup.

 I don't ever know if it's enough... but I want her to know that time, not things, are how you show love.

But, I own a business. Before I became a parent, suddenly & overnight, I already was the sole owner of a 10,000 square foot children's entertainment facility... so naively, I thought, "I already see hundreds of kids a week, whats one more?" See, the difference is... this one, this one is mine and at the end of the day, when we turn off the lights and go home, she comes with me, pulling on my shirt, tripping over my shoes, spilling my drink, and talking a hundred miles a minute. But I have the privilege of loving her, and seeing her grow, and change, and become everything she wants to be, because this one comes home with me. She's the last one I see every night and the first one to climb in my bed, pull off the covers, and cuddle with me each morning. So while I say my business is my life, I mean it, but this tiny girl is my priority, my heart, and my entire world. So juggling the two, often leaves me stretched thin and slightly (or entirely) overwhelmed. 

My place does see over 3,000 kids a month. I am in charge of managing 20 employees, all with chaotic schedules, needs, and skills. On top of that, these 3,000 kids, all have families who have parents who have questions, concerns, or just want to chat. I have bills to pay, huge books to balance, emails to answer, parties to book, and kids to play with. The most important part for me is the kids -- the kids need me to play with them, give high fives, shoot goals, climb through tunnels, and put on skates for a lap around the floor. The kids make the emails worth it, the long days, the mess, the reviews, the bills, they make it worth it. 

My business needs me a lot. And truthfully, I like being needed, and I like being wanted, and I like answering emails, managing our social media accounts, and doing everything that it takes to keep this place open. But while Tiger Bounce needs me, so does my kid. She needs to see me invest in her, spend time with her, love her, cook for her, walk with her, and everything else that parents do for their kids. She needs me to pick her up from school, teach her how to skate, teach her how to bake, and cook, and buy groceries. And sometimes, she even needs to see me close the computer, turn off the phone, and give her my undivided attention. No Tiger Bounce, just her. 

I want her to see that a hard work ethic is important, but I don't want her to see that work is everything. Because it isn't. 

And yesterday, I couldn't do either. I couldn't be a good parent and I couldn't be a good boss. My head was swirling, I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and tired. I cried for hours, curled up in my bed, covers to my chin, and just prayed for peace. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. Nothing was different than the day before, except my body and my mind gave out. I could not get it together to be a parent or even a business owner. I napped on and off all day, completely exhausted, unsure of what to do or how I was going to get better. It had to be anxiety. It had to be depression. It had to be something wrong with my brain.

I prayed for relief. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for peace. I prayed for a breakthrough. I prayed hard, and long, and until there was no words left and it was just my heart crying out. 

And God answered. 

You can be both a parent and a business owner. 

But not today.  

You can be both. 

But not today. 

And just as clearly as I believe God died for me on a cross to save my soul from an eternity of Hell, I believe God said, "go play."

So I did. 

I played on the floor of my 3 year olds room and played dress up. I held her dolls, changed their clothes, gave them bottles, pushed a car around a race track, and played legos on her bedroom floor... and each time my three year old giggled and jumped up and down, I could feel my heart coming back to life. I could feel my brain relaxing, the stress fading, the fear dying, and just overwhelming grace falling on me. I could literally feel the weight of all the yesterdays before being lifted and the hand of God on my life, and I knew without a doubt, this was my purpose, and this was exactly where He wanted me in life. 

I am exactly where God wants me, regardless of what anyone wants to say, or any person wants to state on Google reviews, even when the days are hard, the problems are big, and the chaos is too much. God is there and God sees and God has a plan for my life. I just needed to slow down, give the troubles and the hurt and the pain to Him, stop trying so hard to please everyone, and I just needed to go play, because God has a plan. I may not be needed, but I am wanted by God, and He is just as real to me as any employee or any kid, just as real as any person next to me, or just as real as the tiny girl playing dress up in the mirror, and He wants me. 

He is my savior. He is the one, who rushes in, who holds me as I cry under my covers, who pushes me out of bed, and who forces me to get up, get dressed, and be the parent and boss I was forever destined to be. He is the perfect parent, the perfect father, the perfect boss, the perfect encourager, and the only one who can show me what love really means and what really matters. His love is enough to pull me out of bed, reminding me of my worth, and to keep me moving forward.

This little girl is my purpose. This business is my purpose. This community is my purpose. And I am exactly where God wants me.