Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Here it is, God. I trust You.

My little girl brought me a tiny flower that she had planted earlier this summer when we first moved into our new home. She brought it to me while I was still in bed on Saturday morning, so excited, so proud, so happy, exclaiming, "Look, mommy, look, my flowers grow up!" 

In her tiny little mind, she had just won the lottery, became the ultimate chef, and had just created a masterpiece from her own hands-- she has spent so much time over the last 5 months, she has loved, and sacrificed, and begged, and willed this tiny flower to life-- and on Saturday, she handed it to me and said, "Keep it safe."

She had brought it to me, given it to me, and entrusted me to keep it safe, care for it, and to help it continue to grow. She excitedly proclaimed not by her words but with her gesture, "I made this, here it is, I trust you to keep it safe. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever created, here it is, I trust you!"

Most of you know by now that I am the owner of Tiger Bounce, a children's entertainment center in the heart of Columbia, Missouri. I am a business owner, which often times overshadows all the other roles of my life, and up until the last few months, I proudly and loudly proclaimed this. I was proud of my facility, I would defend it and my decisions with all I had, and I would fiercely give it my all to keep business booming, and to keep the doors open. 

I still am proud of my facility. I still love my facility. I still get up every single day excited and happy to do the job I do, with the people I adore, and in this community that captured my heart as a college student. I absolutely love Tiger Bounce. I have worked, bled, sweated, and cried to make my job work. I have sacrificed a ton--my time, my energy, my family, my mental health, my life--to make it work. I have held on tightly to Tiger Bounce, gripping it with all that I have, refusing to let it slip, controlling every move, perfecting every turn, and I have stood in awe as Tiger Bounce has done well from a business stand point. I have lived comfortably and have wanted for nothing. 

I have tossed & turned though -- day in & day out. I have been exhausted though, unable to turn off the stress & worry & fear.  I have stood in the parking lot looking in and have been overcome with the constant reminder that if I fail, I fail families and children and dedicated & loyal employees, and I fail in the center of this town I love in front of everyone who said I would never make it. The fear of failing is most days incredibly scary for me--terrifying even-- that it leaves me wobbly, my brain altered, and my future blurry. 

I have prayed for peace. 
I have prayed for hope. 
I have prayed for change. 
I have prayed, I have heard, and I have ignored. 

How do I wake up every day and walk into the fight, determined to keep Tiger Bounce open? God. 
How do I make it work, willingly making sacrifices, to make this business succeed? God. 
How do I keep going even when I am exhausted & tired & defeated? God. 
How do I keep moving my feet & going forward? God. 

Long before I said "Yes," to Tiger Bounce, I said "Yes," to my savior, my creator, my father, my God. I said "Yes, God, I will serve You." I said, "Yes, God, I will live for You." I said, "Yes, God, wherever you say go, I will go." I said, "Yes, God, whatever you ask of me, I will do." I said, "Yes, God, I will live my life to bring You glory, to make Your name known, & to put You first." I said, "Yes, God, yes!"

Since then, I have stumbled. I have fallen. I have made mistakes, walked away from my faith, depended on myself, forgotten the truth of the Bible, and have made foolish choices while proclaiming truth from my mouth. I have sinned, daily. I have slept in on Sunday mornings, proudly boasted of my accomplishments, lied about God's presence in my life, and have put more work into Tiger Bounce than I have my relationship with Christ. But, I know one truth. I know who my God is, I know His forgiveness, and I know who lives in me, and I know who is standing in front of me calling me to step out in faith, who is calling me to trust in Him alone. 

God has been laying it on my heart and on my life to stop trying so hard. He has been speaking truth into my life and every prayer for peace has been answered with, "Child, give it to me." And as a child who holds on tightly to their blanket, I kept saying, "Mine, Mine, Mine, let me have it!" I have told the God of this world that I have it all under control, when in reality, He did. I have told the God of my life that he can be the God of my life, but not the God of my business, but in reality, He was already both. I have told the God of my future, my past, and my present, I want this more than I want you, but He stood faithful waiting for me. 

And I have struggled. I have been ripped open raw. I have cried, I have stumbled, I have failed. My mental health has been broken. My happiness has shrunk. I have become someone I don't even recognize, chasing the next high, the next event, the next month's revenue. I have held on so tightly to this dream, making Tiger Bounce work, that I have failed. I have stressed and hurt and cried. Just as a child who screams, "Mine, Mine, Mine," I have kept an arm's length between me and God afraid He would take my dream away from me--afraid that me giving up even a little control would make me stumble and fall--afraid that it would break me and Tiger Bounce and this perfect world that I worked for. I was afraid the bottom would fall out. I was afraid the world would see that I was a nobody, a failure, a wreck. I was afraid that God couldn't do as good of a job as I could and that He would take my business away from me. I was afraid to trust Him. 

And I have debated over the last two years who I am, who God is, and His plans for me. And I have reluctantly struggled to give ALL to him. I have struggled to give credit to Him. I have struggled to make His name known. I have struggled to lay down my life, unpack the baggage, and hand over my plans in exchange for His. 

But today, that ends. 

Before Tiger Bounce was mine, it was already His. He had plans for me, for Tiger Bounce, for my future LONG before I ever walked in the door as a mere college student looking for extra cash. It's always been His. God has orchestrated this beautiful masterpiece, has held onto the brush the entire time, sheltering me, providing for me, shielding me, protecting me, loving me, guiding me, and breathing life into my lungs even while I refused to look up and thank Him. He is, He has been, and He always will be the greatest painter, the greatest creator, and the only savior I will bow down to. He is the only one I would trust my life with, my business with, my future with, my tiny girl's life with, and everything else I dream of. 

He is the only one I can trust. 

Tiger Bounce is not my savior. It is not my answer to happiness. It is not anything, because He is Everything. God is my everything. And today, tomorrow, and every day after, I need to put Him first and I need to put Tiger Bounce second. 

Today, I lay it all down. I give it to Him, what has always been His, except now I say, "More of You, Less of me, God." I say, "God, here is my platform, here is my people, here is my following, help me God, help me reach them for You." 

I say today, "To Live is Christ." And I mean it. 

Help me, God, help me become everything you have created me to be, everything you created Tiger Bounce to be, and help me become the good in this world, the light to the lost, and the hope in this failing world. Help me use Tiger Bounce to reach people with the hope that can ONLY be found in You. Help me, take it from me, and make it Yours. 

Just as my girl brought me her flower that she cared for, and grew, and loved. I give you the business, I bring you everything I have, and I say proudly, just as excitedly, and just as hopeful, "Look God, look! I made this, here it is, I trust you to keep it safe. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever created, here it is, I trust you!" 

Breathe new life into me. Breathe new life into Tiger Bounce. Let us both bloom and become and shine light into this broken world. I trust You. I can't do it alone anymore. I give it to You. I unpack it all at the cross, and with tears streaming down my face, I just want to make You proud, and say "Yes," over and over and over again. 

Here it is, God. I trust You. 



Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Go play.

Yesterday was really hard, as in I wasn't sure I would ever recover, hard. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and just ready to give up on parenting, business, life. It was too much, so I laid in bed and I cried out to God, crying for peace, begging for relief. 

I try every single day to provide some kind of "fun" for my kid... but I work a ton of hours, often even coming home with lists and lists of things to complete that I hardly rarely find the time to get on the floor and play legos every single night before I tuck my kid into bed. I do make it a priority to always put her to bed, read books, talk about our day, and kiss her goodnight. And I try, almost every day, to put something fun in her life, whether with a new activity, bike ride around the block, a few jumps on the trampoline, or even just a moment to eat a pretend dinner together that she cooked for me on her pretend kitchen. Often times, it's a pot filled with a piece of plastic bread, ketchup bottle, orange, tomato, cookie, and a spoon. It's nothing even close to a meal, or even close to appetizing, but she beams with pride as we "eat" it all and rub our bellies saying "I'm all full!" I eat everything she gives me though, and I top it off with a big drink from a tiny little teacup.

 I don't ever know if it's enough... but I want her to know that time, not things, are how you show love.

But, I own a business. Before I became a parent, suddenly & overnight, I already was the sole owner of a 10,000 square foot children's entertainment facility... so naively, I thought, "I already see hundreds of kids a week, whats one more?" See, the difference is... this one, this one is mine and at the end of the day, when we turn off the lights and go home, she comes with me, pulling on my shirt, tripping over my shoes, spilling my drink, and talking a hundred miles a minute. But I have the privilege of loving her, and seeing her grow, and change, and become everything she wants to be, because this one comes home with me. She's the last one I see every night and the first one to climb in my bed, pull off the covers, and cuddle with me each morning. So while I say my business is my life, I mean it, but this tiny girl is my priority, my heart, and my entire world. So juggling the two, often leaves me stretched thin and slightly (or entirely) overwhelmed. 

My place does see over 3,000 kids a month. I am in charge of managing 20 employees, all with chaotic schedules, needs, and skills. On top of that, these 3,000 kids, all have families who have parents who have questions, concerns, or just want to chat. I have bills to pay, huge books to balance, emails to answer, parties to book, and kids to play with. The most important part for me is the kids -- the kids need me to play with them, give high fives, shoot goals, climb through tunnels, and put on skates for a lap around the floor. The kids make the emails worth it, the long days, the mess, the reviews, the bills, they make it worth it. 

My business needs me a lot. And truthfully, I like being needed, and I like being wanted, and I like answering emails, managing our social media accounts, and doing everything that it takes to keep this place open. But while Tiger Bounce needs me, so does my kid. She needs to see me invest in her, spend time with her, love her, cook for her, walk with her, and everything else that parents do for their kids. She needs me to pick her up from school, teach her how to skate, teach her how to bake, and cook, and buy groceries. And sometimes, she even needs to see me close the computer, turn off the phone, and give her my undivided attention. No Tiger Bounce, just her. 

I want her to see that a hard work ethic is important, but I don't want her to see that work is everything. Because it isn't. 

And yesterday, I couldn't do either. I couldn't be a good parent and I couldn't be a good boss. My head was swirling, I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and tired. I cried for hours, curled up in my bed, covers to my chin, and just prayed for peace. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. Nothing was different than the day before, except my body and my mind gave out. I could not get it together to be a parent or even a business owner. I napped on and off all day, completely exhausted, unsure of what to do or how I was going to get better. It had to be anxiety. It had to be depression. It had to be something wrong with my brain.

I prayed for relief. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for peace. I prayed for a breakthrough. I prayed hard, and long, and until there was no words left and it was just my heart crying out. 

And God answered. 

You can be both a parent and a business owner. 
But not today.  
You can be both. 
But not today. 
And just as clearly as I believe God died for me on a cross to save my soul from an eternity of Hell, I believe God said, "go play."

So I did. 

I played on the floor of my 3 year olds room and played dress up. I held her dolls, changed their clothes, gave them bottles, pushed a car around a race track, and played legos on her bedroom floor... and each time my three year old giggled and jumped up and down, I could feel my heart coming back to life. I could feel my brain relaxing, the stress fading, the fear dying, and just overwhelming grace falling on me. I could literally feel the weight of all the yesterdays before being lifted and the hand of God on my life, and I knew without a doubt, this was my purpose, and this was exactly where He wanted me in life. 

I am exactly where God wants me, regardless of what anyone wants to say, or any person wants to state on Google reviews, even when the days are hard, the problems are big, and the chaos is too much. God is there and God sees and God has a plan for my life. I just needed to slow down, give the troubles and the hurt and the pain to Him, stop trying so hard to please everyone, and I just needed to go play, because God has a plan. I may not be needed, but I am wanted by God, and He is just as real to me as any employee or any kid, just as real as any person next to me, or just as real as the tiny girl playing dress up in the mirror, and He wants me. 

He is my savior. He is the one, who rushes in, who holds me as I cry under my covers, who pushes me out of bed, and who forces me to get up, get dressed, and be the parent and boss I was forever destined to be. He is the perfect parent, the perfect father, the perfect boss, the perfect encourager, and the only one who can show me what love really means and what really matters. His love is enough to pull me out of bed, reminding me of my worth, and to keep me moving forward.

This little girl is my purpose. This business is my purpose. This community is my purpose. And I am exactly where God wants me.