Value.

I did not want to be a mother. When I wrote down the plans that I had after high school, nothing consisted of settling down, finding love, or starting a family. My five and ten year plan was all about me, the selfish desires of materialism, greed, and creating not only a name, but a legacy that would far outlive me.

I weighed my worth by the amount of money that I had in my bank account, the cash in my hand, and the brands displayed on my clothes. I did not care about others. I did not care about third world countries, starving children, or the poverty happening just down the street from the perfect world I was raised within.

I did not understand violence. I did not understand manipulation. I did not understand that my voice had value, that my single hand could be raised to stop cycles of abuse, or that I could do anything positive to change the lives around me. I did not understand that greatness had nothing to do with talents or money or fame. I did not understand that love could hold the same truths that the bible spoke over--about lacking pride, envy, and jealousy--where love could be messy, yet pure, protective, and honest.

I did not understand that while the perfect life I planned, was not the life God had in mind, but yet, it would somehow be better, greater than I could have ever wanted and more beautiful than I ever imagined.

My years in college and my first years within the social work field changed my life. My eyes were opened far wider than I knew behind the perfect picket fence I believed in and I saw hurt, depression, deteriorating mental health, abuse, poverty, bad choices stacked against worse choices, addictions, alcoholism, violence, trauma, and babies left alone without protection, left to face the world without parents, without knowledge of good or bad, left alone to eat out of dumpsters fighting to survive before their first birthday.

I left the world of heartbreak to run full force suddenly and nearly overnight back into the world of fun, and childhood, and birthdays, and celebrations, and excitement. And while I would never change a single sentence of the life I have lived, I would have slowed down to breathe in the innocence a little longer... the hurt a little longer... the beauty a little longer... the injustice a little longer.

Then, I became a mother.

The hurt I saw as a professional could not compare to the hurt and trauma I lived through as I held a tiny person fighting against love, filled with grief and memories of trauma by the hands of those that should have protected her, afraid to trust, afraid to move, feeling helpless against the world, so much so that her entire world of safety could only be found in the very back corner of her closet. I never imagined that motherhood would happen for me, but when I look into the eyes of my tiny foster child, I could never imagine a life without her little hand sliding into mine, or her whispers in my ears, or her tiny fingers working so hard to trust and discover the world around her.

Life was easier in the visions I had of my five and ten year plans, and there definitely wasn't a little silly girl running around, but when I say the choices I made to let go of the hurt in my own world, to open my eyes to the pain around me, and to join forces to help make this world a better place, I said yes to Christ -- and yes to a tiny girl needing a home, and most importantly, a family.

Ignoring the children starving in my own backyard was so easy when I never went outside. Turning my back on third world countries was easy when an entire world and thousands of miles of sea separated us. Ignoring the hurting, the poor, and the needy, was easy when I walked back into my privileged world and my access to health care, therapy, and services was just a phone call away.

Ignoring the foster children of this world was easy until I brought this child inside and saw that the world within her eyes was far too heavy for her to carry alone... and while my only goal was to help her grow and thrive, I realized that my value and my worth and my voice and my life only made sense the day I became a mother. Everything I wanted, everything I worked for, everything I believed in, everything I thought was vanity.

And in the process of my own growth as a person, my faith was found. Knowing love the way I do as a mother has only strengthened the love I feel for my God, for the way Christ selflessly laid down his life for me, without question, without judgement, without fear. While there is nothing I can do about this tiny girl's first two years of life, I know there is absolutely nothing that would stand in the way of me, her foster mama, laying down my life for her future.

This child is messy & wild - absolutely breathtaking - a beautiful soul filled with fire, and love, and life, and heart. She is so perfectly rounded, difficult to control, and fiery from within and while I pray one day she learns to wrangle all these emotions, her fire by far is my most favorite.

Change happens when you hold a tiny suffering hand, extend love, and say no more. And, in this process, I have found me. And I have found the value within the moment, within the people, within the good in the world around me.

And together, we have found happy.