I cried for two hours at my job today, in the bathroom, alone. Sobbed. I couldn’t get it together so I sat on the floor and cried— in case you’d like me to say that again, I cried on the bathroom floor, the nasty, gross, horrifying bathroom floors of the public bathroom in my children’s entertainment center because I just couldn't keep it together. I don’t exactly know what I was crying about, but I do know that today, the stress won. The anxiety won. The hurt won. The fear won. Everything BUT ME won and I cried. Hard. For 2 hours. Sobbed and cried and pulled my knees to my chest, and let it out and I BAWLED.
Then I got up off the floor, wiped my face, and I went to work. I forced myself to get up and do it— do a job that I love and worked for and have shed tears and sweat and blood over, and have lost friends and relationships and opportunities for--Willingly. I have willingly sacrificed life to make Tiger Bounce work, and it has been (besides motherhood) one of the single most rewarding jobs.
But it has been the hardest and some days, it has been the darkest.
Today I honestly asked myself if it was worth it, the first time in nearly two years, I asked myself the very real question about my life, my job, my happiness, my mental health— and I didn’t have a solid answer that met what I was looking for.
Am I happy?
Am I making a difference?
Is this job worth it, worth all the stress, time away from my kid, away from my family & friends? Is it worth losing my sleep over, staying up late, struggling to keep up, being tired all the time, unhappy, anxious, and dragging? Is it worth it?
Without answers to those questions, I cried. And I cried a lot.
I think when it comes to business, people don’t care about the people behind the brand or owners or anything that goes into it. They tend to be selfish, have certain expectations, and when they’re desires aren’t met, they become cruel. And I think, as a business owner, that reality is the single worst responsibility that comes with my job.
See... what happened is... I made a mistake.
I made a mistake and while I can admit that I was absolutely wrong and insensitive to the world around me (by complete ignorance, not purposeful), I believe people have an inherent right to REACT to whatever I do, and they have a right to be angry and to demand change, more inclusion, more sensitivity, more empathy... but people don't have the right to be cruel.
I remember this moment years ago, when I felt so scared, that the only thing that seemed to comfort my mind and body was to physically hide in my closet. I was scared, and cold, and angry, and more than anything, I wanted to shrink myself down, hide underneath the weight of the trauma, and run from the world. I was so afraid, so alone, and so unsure of who I was that there was nothing in my body that could even attempt to fight the battle for me. Still, as an adult I often times don't think about the exhaustion that comes with reality and life until it is facing me and I am looking for that tiny nook to climb into, where I can pull my legs to my chest, curl up, and hide from the outside world.
Lately, it feels as if there is no other place for me. My only comfort exists in the back of my closet, where no sound can get through, and the only thing I can see is just inches from my face, in the complete dark. The outside world feels just too big sometimes. I carry this weight every day, where I try to be superhuman, to hide the fact that sometimes my mental health is deteriorating, that my worries and fears are hijacking my sleep and holding me hostage, captivating my thoughts, people are so cruel and not even slightly understanding and all of this is just sending me in a downward spiral that I feel I cannot escape. This anxiety lately is so real, so paralyzing, so toxic, so harmful that even the thought of getting out of bed is something I cannot even entertain.
In my privilege white world, I made a mistake. I created two events, just weeks a part, and spent hours designing, planning, hiring, and creating these events. I also spent hours in conversation with boards of people over their creation and within hours of them going live, I was the center of a controversy that I didn’t even know existed. Two nights were created — a girls night & a boys night, and to be honest, I never knew simple terms of “girls” and “boys” to be offensive, non inclusive, or hateful. I was called sexist. I was called a bigot, a threat, negligent, prejudice, hateful, and cruel. I was called the mean girl, a bully, and my name was drug around as if I had instigated the murder of a top national elite. I've had people tell me they will never come back to my business, will not support me any longer, and we've lost nearly a dozen followers. And while I don't want to sound as if my ignorance is an excuse, my anger for the whole situation is directed more at myself. How could I be so dumb to not even allow this to cross my mind? Is my white privileged world so separated from reality, even with a masters in social work, that I couldn't even predict this would happen?
For nearly a week, I have reread every comment, share, and post. I have searched through messages, I have answered every single concern, and I have apologized more than I can even count... and it has done nothing. Then I was contacted by the news and media over the backlash, and quite frankly, I don't even know how to get ahead of it anymore. I don't even know how to respond anymore.
And then today happened...
My kid mumbled a simple sentence and I cried-- full out sobbed on the bathroom door, hiding behind a locked door and a world that hated me. She asked me in the most sweetest way, and said, “Mommy, why does you not like gay peoples." My kid doesn’t know what gay means. My kid doesn’t know anything, about anything to do with gender or sexuality or orientation or a damn event or anything else or even my thoughts on the matter. She’s three years old and only knows what someone told her and apparently her friends at school told her that her mommy hates gay people and gay people can't come to Tiger Bounce... and all she wants to know is if gay people can actually come play with her.
I don’t hate gay people.
I don't even hate anyone.
I don’t hate transgender people.
I don’t hate girls.
I don’t hate boys.
And I know absolutely nothing about gender.
Clearly.
And for that I am sorry.
I am sorry that my privilege and my lifestyle has kept me shielded from the pains of other people, who do not feel included, and feel ignored, left out, angry, alone... but none of this was done intentionally. I don't hate gay people.
I made a mistake. I planned an event that excluded children who don’t identify with certain genders, I made parents irate and angry and sad, and instead of talking to me, I was attacked on every platform, including in my 3 year olds classroom... and today, it was just too much and I cried. Everything else won, and I cried.
I’m just a human. I make mistakes. Horrible ones, insensitive ones, and ones I wish I could undue and change.
But instead of explaining myself to adults about the entire event and the situation that has unfolded this week, I get to have a conversation with my three year old about hate, about people that are different than us, and about quite frankly, shit that just doesn’t concern her.
And today, I’m just broken and sad and angry.
