I often have days where the only thing that brings me comfort is the sanctuary of my room and the security of my bed. There's days that leave me fragile, and weak, and feeling out of control. Days that make me want to throw in the towel, give up, and move away to a remote little beach and live simply.
But each new morning, I get up, I shower the day before away, and I start over. I'm building a future, a legacy, and trying to do everything I can to make my little part of this world a better, safer, happier place.
But often, I fail.
As a business owner, I juggle the daily struggles of my personal life, of dating, of single motherhood, of family, friends, and commitments, of mental health, and everything in between, with the very real commitment to Tiger Bounce, to the children's entertainment facility where I am solely responsible for twenty-two staff members, hundreds of families, the children's safety and security, inventory, bills, events, programming, and everything else that comes along with maintaining and growing a business. I barely make it to bed before my eyes close, but every single day, I am so thankful, I am so appreciative, and so entirely blessed to live the life I do with my tiny girl following behind me.
I am in love with my life.
But often, the trials and struggles and the juggling act, fall and take over. My commitment doesn't change because of rough weeks or tough choices or slow days. I will always be thankful, and appreciative, and blessed, I will always strive to make Tiger Bounce better, to make my employees happier, to make more sales, to meet the needs to my customers and bring smiles to tiny faces... but this week, overly exhausted has climbed to the top of my list.
I am in love with my life, but I am exhausted.
After long conversations with staff members, after sitting up in my bed praying to a God that I hope is still listening, and trying, creating, and implementing new plans to make Tiger Bounce better... tough choices still had to be made and staff members that I adored had to move on.
That's the part of the job that I would pay any amount of money to not ever have to decide.
I struggle. I struggle maintaining Tiger Bounce, I struggle with the balance of loving this staff, having high expectations, wanting the best for them, pushing them to do more, work harder, create new healthy habits, and develop into the very best self they can be. I struggle with that, because there are just days where I can't say "Please, go do your job," one more time. I can't keep saying, "Please, clean this," or "Please, get off your phone," or "Please, please, please stop making me be this boss I don't want to be."
It just gets exhausting.
I often become the bad guy. I become the one who is too hard on them, too strict, too toxic, too tough. I warn, I give hundreds of chances, I show them over and over and over, and I try my hardest to understand the limitations that employees have. I understand bad days, missed shifts, prior engagements, poor work habits, and everything else... but there comes a point, when I have to make the choice that Tiger Bounce needs and let go.
Those are always the saddest days for me.
As a person, I hate being taken advantage of. I hate when my kindness is portrayed as a weakness that is manipulated and driven down. I hate when I am pushed to the point when my empathy and understanding and reason are gone. I hate when I have to become a boss without emotion, without understanding, without feelings... in order for them to just get it.
Often times though, they don't get it until I am sitting across from them face to face and saying, "We're done here."
Those are the days I hate more than anything else in life and sends me home exhausted, yearning for the moment when I can climb into bed, turn off my phone, and pull the covers over my head and go to sleep.
But each new morning, I get up, I shower the day before away, and I start over. I'm building a future, a legacy, and trying to do everything I can to make my little part of this world a better, safer, happier place.
And that's all I can do. All I want to do. All I strive for.
