Cheers to 27.

At 21, I was going to be married. At 22, I was going to have a college degree and start a brand new career. At 23, I would have a child with the love of my life, and by 25, I would be settled in with a great career that I loved going to every day, happily married, with a child on my hip and one growing in my belly. I would have this huge house, with a white picket fence, and a dog sitting on the front porch, ready to greet me when I came home every day. 

This was going to be my life and I was going to be so happy. 

I don't know when that life faded out of sight or when I gave up on nearly all of those things. I don't know when those dreams were born or even why I thought those are the things I needed so badly. As time went on and there was no man in the picture that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I realized the impact of society on my life. The world has told me that this narrative above is my story... it's supposed to be my story. The world told me that I was going to have it all figured out by 25. But it wasn't. It wasn't who I was. 

It isn't who I am. My story is much, much different.

Does that make me less than everyone else?
What will people think if none of that happens for me?
What if I never want to get married?
What if I don't want kids?
What if I never want a great big house, or a white picket fence, or kids taking up all of my attention?
What if I never want to share my bed, or my bathroom, or my kitchen?
What if all I ever want in life is a dog on my lap?

It has taken me a long time to be okay with those questions, and even longer to be okay with the dreams fading off in the distance... 26 years to be exact. This year has been one of the hardest of my life, in more ways than one, as I have felt the guilt of not living the life I was supposed to and dealing with the trauma at the same time that came along with ignoring what I wanted. 

I have had to learn to survive in a world of business this year, an opportunity that I daily remind myself how lucky I am to have. I know that this is a privilege beyond comprehension. (Please, please, please understand that I am in no way complaining about one of the greatest blessings in my life). But in June of this year, I sat in my doctor's office, crying and staring at the floor as I told them that my life was absolutely perfect and that I had everything I ever wanted and that I couldn't be more grateful even if a million dollars walked through the door. I talked about how great my family and friends were, how my business was doing great, and how I have dogs to come home to every night. After all that, tears rolled down my face as I said, "What is wrong with me? I have everything, but I'm not happy." 

Depression and Anxiety was exactly what was wrong with me. 

Those monsters creeped in my life years ago, but I pushed every feeling I ever had deep down within me, and I kept it all at bay by telling myself, "That dream will happen, you'll get there next year, don't worry, there's someone else out there, you'll be happy once you get married, have kids, get a great job, and have a perfect house." As year 26 rolled on for me and I was no where near closer to reaching any of those milestones, I struggled. Hard. I struggled with the huge opportunity I was given and the guilt I felt for not being able to wake up every day grateful, ready to jump out of bed, run through the doors of Tiger Bounce, and make this huge impact on the world around me. As the months wore on, and the newness faded, I started to struggle more. I was a business owner, why was I not passionate enough? Why did I have no energy? Why was I taking two and three days off? Why was I not answering my staff with their urgent messages? Why was I not picking up the phone or answering emails? Why was I not wanting to be there? Was this all a huge mistake? Why did I take on this responsibility when I'm a hot mess of a person in general? Would anyone ever love me, need me, see me for who I was? What if I was unable to do all the things that were expected of me? 

I have learned that the monster of anxiety often creeps up in the form of doubt. It creeps in, without a word of warning, telling your mind all the failures and mistakes that ever happened to you, and once it gets comfortable, it starts poking and kicking and yelling, "WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHAT IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT? WHAT IF YOU NEVER GET THERE? WHAT IF THIS FAILS?"

And with me, it pushed on until I had no other options. Me, the girl who had this fancy business and perfect life and seemed so fun and happy on paper, was sitting in her bed for days, contemplating suicide. Me, the girl, with a masters in social work and years of education behind her on nearly every area of mental health there is, was unaware that it had taken root in her own world. I was not okay, far from it, and I no longer had the will to live. 

I had the perfect life, but I was so unhappy, that all I wanted was to end it. 

Does that not speak volumes of the pressure that we place on each other? on ourselves? I have learned this year, through owning a business, that sometimes it's okay to just let go. It's okay to let go of the control, to put down the phone and close the computer. It's okay to go home, crawl under the covers, and fall asleep under the drone of the TV, as long as you don't stay there. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to cry until you can't breathe, for no other reason, other than disappointment in yourself. It's okay to let go of this persona that you're strong, untouched by hurt or grief or sadness, and it's okay to stop being someone you're not... even if you don't know who you truly are anymore. 

It's okay to let go of these dreams you think you're supposed to have, it's okay to create new ones if old dreams fade away, it's okay to throw away old ones when they start to hurt you, and it's okay to let go of people dragging you down, telling you that you're not good enough, or unworthy, or unlovable. It is also 100% more than okay to recognize how perfect your life is, but still not be okay on the inside. There should never be any guilt in that. 

For me, 26 was all about learning those things. It was about talking through problems I ignored for years. It was all about learning how to address hard things, deal with conflict, move forward, and become this badass business woman who can compete and hang in the world around her, on a good day or even bad. For me, it was saying out loud, "I want to die," that pushed me to find the will to live and to find dreams that were truly mine, rather than things pushed upon me or implied. 

I don't truly have a plan. I wish this was the point in the narrative where I said, "Here's me and this is what I'm going to do to have the life I dream of," but I don't know what the dream is yet. I don't really know what tomorrow brings. I don't really have any dreams that I'm so excited to share with the world, yet. But... year 27 for me, which starts today, is all about figuring out who I am and what I truly want... even if that means a house full of dogs and a counter to sit on where I can eat icing from the tub in peace. 

All I want for this year is to figure out what makes me happy, and I want to tirelessly, wholeheartedly, and passionately pursue whatever it is that does that. 

This is going to be a good year. 

The best. 

Thank you all for standing by me, loving me through it, and pushing me to keep going. Love you all!

 -Ted