Driven by hate, fueled by anger. Meet the real, Tedi Ellis.

She looked at me, square in the face, with this look of curiosity in her eyes, not judgement or anything of that sort, but pure curiosity... as if she would pull the truth straight from my heart with her eyes. As she asked me the question that I always feared the most, I stared down at my fingers, as I typically did when things got tougher than I dared to face...

"Tedi, can I ask you something?"

I nodded my head, afraid to even acknowledge her, as if my heart would break right open... right there in the middle of the room. I have never been one to reach deep down and willingly allow vulnerability to flow without abandon. "Ask," I said.

"Tedi," Her words were kind, firm but straight, "Be honest with me and yourself, otherwise you'll walk out this door more confused than when you walked in."

I nodded again.

"At what cost, will you pursue this?"

Defensively, my head snapped up, my tongue angrily searching for the words in my mind to convince her that I was driven... that I was passionate enough to make my dreams come true. "You're just like everyone else now; You're going to try to talk me out of it. I don't care what you think. I know, in my heart, that I am capable of making this successful. I know I can do it." The same words I have spoken over and over and over again throughout the last couple months, trying my hardest to convince the world that I am capable of creating a future that I am proud of.

She looked at me with those eyes again, full of curiosity and wonder, as if she was trying to decide what secret I was holding onto. Pleading with her, I simply whispered, "I know I could do it," hoping with everything inside of me that she would just drop the subject.

"Tedi, the question I want to ask is the last one I would ever want to ask you... but I cannot let you walk away and not ask. BUT, I am terrified that you will walk away from me..." I lifted my head to stare back at her as a little smirk stretched across her face, "or punch me in the face..." she whispered.

"Just say what you want. I'm not going to hit you."

"I love you, I adore you, Tedi... you know that. I would do anything for you and I will still support any choice you make."

I knew that... and I trusted her thoughts, knowing she truly did believe in me and want what was best for me. This woman has fearlessly taken me by the hand, dragging me along on most days than not, encouraging me, teaching me, leading me closer and closer... deeper and deeper into a relationship with Christ. She has loved me when I haven't been very lovable... showed me grace as I have clumsily learned to walk with Christ... investing in me and leading me... However, she did have a habit of asking the questions I didn't want to answer.

"Just ask."

As if she didn't even hesitate, she stared back, locking eyes with me as she fearlessly asked, 

"Who do you love more? [This... ] or Jesus?"

I've never been in a stranger position. It was as if my mind couldn't keep up with my heart, as if the two were in some great battle against the other... while I searched for the answer, the words I knew were right crept up my throat, but died on my tongue. As if in that moment, I finally saw the difference between the things I was always taught and the things I believed.

Do I love Jesus? Obviously. 
... but in this moment, I finally came face to face with my heart.

I have spent hours planning, thinking, considering... I have convinced family and friends to support my dreams... Questions rolled through my mind as I furiously searched for an answer, some kind of meaning, some kind of thought to throw back at her as if that would convince her of my drive to be successful,

Does God even see me? 

Does He hear me? 

Why would He let them do that to me? 

Why won't He let me have what I want most?

Why won't He give [This] to me?

But while I wanted [This] so badly to prove my worth... to create this fancy future... to somehow prove everyone wrong... I realized a simple problem. 

I wanted this for me. I was putting God into a situation, begging for mercy and grace, pleading with him for the answer I so desperately wanted... asking for something I thought I was entitled to, but yet, through the words of my dear friend,  I have come to understand that I did not deserve. I was willing to put [This] before Jesus... and as ashamed as I am to admit, I was more willing to say, "Yes," to [This] than I was to Christ.

I allowed myself to love something more than Him...
What does that say of me... my character... my choices... me? 

Ashamed. Worthless. Greedy. Sinful. Reckless. Hopeless. 
How could he even love me after all this?

I remember the day I was "terminated" as if it was yesterday... that fancy word for fired. I remember the feeling of hopelessness... as if this job that I loved somehow measured my worth and potential. I remember the things they said about me, all of the lies came flooding back and hit me, sitting in the middle of the room.

"It isn't fair," I whispered, choking back tears, "I didn't deserve that." She reached for my hand, but I pulled it back...

"How could they do that to me?"

It's a question I have asked myself on a daily basis, begging for answers, desperately seeking the truth.

Who do I love most? The hesitation told my answer for me... which also gave me the answer I had so long been searching for.

I pulled my boots up and I walked out of the room... with a heavy heart and broken dreams and plans destroyed... my future uncertain.

This is me choosing to walk away from the one thing I thought would give me all the answers... with my eyes focused completely on the one who gave me life. I love Jesus and in the end, it is HIS name I choose... not some fancy future with big houses and big dreams or a business I could only dream of.

I'll take Jesus over any of that any day of the week.
But truthfully, my purpose in this pursuit was not only to fulfill my future and secure it with whatever means necessary... but it was driven by hate for the people who sent my entire world crumbling and fueled by the anger I held inside.

This isn't me giving up on my dreams... or walking away... or throwing in the towel... it is me, simply saying that the timing is wrong and that my faith needs more work right now than my future does. As soon as my heart is in the right place and I have a certain "Yes," then I will pursue [This] again. As painful as this may be, I am confident that this answer is the right one.

With tears streaming down my face, a thousand questions running through my mind, I ended my prayer for guidance with a simple phrase that gave me a completely different meaning this time,

"It isn't fair," I whispered, choking back tears, "I didn't deserve you." 

I am so undeserving of His great love.