I called my sister crying yesterday... and honestly, you could ask us both and even my sister would tell you that I don't think either one of us knew exactly the reason for those tears.
Yesterday was hard. Today was worse. Hello, Life Crisis #1793.
I've decided that since I've consistently had a significant life crisis moment every year since I started college that I needed to start numbering them. This year alone (and it's only February), I think I've had five. Maybe I'll start naming them like the hurricanes, so we know more about the life crisis and the devastation it leaves behind like, "Oh that one... that was a big one, that was Life Crisis Joseph." or "No, no... that was a smaller one, that was when we thought it was going to be Life Crisis Sally but really, it just turned out to be Tropical Storm Fred instead."
I gave myself a pep talk for over 5 hours today... just to get out of bed to walk to the kitchen to get food. I settled on ice cream and walked back to my bed, watched Netflix, and cried. I crawled out from under the covers two hours later and walked back to the kitchen to eat crackers which I cried over because they weren't salty enough and walked back to bed. I think I am starting to realize the similarities between me and the common five year old, if they were left unattended to raise themselves.
Sleep. Ice cream. Movies. Cry.
I don't want anyone to be jealous, but I'm living the life... and I am completely unhappy.
I have never been --and will never be-- suicidal. I know the pain and cost associated with such a choice... but there are days (like today) when I have to question the purpose and meaning to life. Somewhere, somehow, at sometime... I just want to know that this life, that this thing, that this is worth it.
Who am I?
What do I want out of life?
What do I believe in?
Where did "Tedi" go?
I used to have this spark-- this zest for life. I was passionate and wild and free... I had a voice and I used it to say anything and everything I wanted... I was so sure of myself and confident and I loved with everything I had. I was weird and crazy and I didn't care what anyone thought. I existed in my own world, where I genuinely believed I could be anything and everything and I had dreams and plans and goals... and then life happened and I stopped believing, I stopped fully living and I just started being and becoming what I thought everyone wanted and then I just started trying to survive and get through... and then somewhere, somehow I just stopped. My world stopped. I just let it pass me by and consume me and overwhelm me and then I got here, where I am now.
I am burnt out... unbelievably burnt out with the heartache of life.
Right before I graduated from high school, one of my teachers wrote me a post-it that said, "You are the "tediest" of all the Ellis students I have taught. Please stay that way and conquer the world, Theodore." When did I stop being the "tediest?" Take me back. I still want to conquer the world. I still want to be that person... I still want to find her and be her and live her life. I still have that note... but I can't find that "Tedi" and it is killing me.
Is this adulthood? Is this what growing up looks like?
... because if it is, I didn't sign up for this.
It's strange what they teach you in college... ways to cope and relieve stress and function and all about self-care to prevent burn out in your careers, but they don't teach you anything about what to do when it's life that you're burned out with, tired of, stressed out with, overwhelmed. When you're burned out with a job, you quit or you transfer or you change professions, but what do you do when you're burnt out with life?
How do I get back to believing that life will be everything I thought it could be?
Que the dramatics, but life is much harder than I thought it would be.
I want to go back to being five years old and coloring books and juice boxes and peanut- free signs... and that time, back a long time ago, when I was actually, completely and utterly happy.
