My faith is in Christ, not in the Duggar family.

The Duggar Family 

I started watching the show back when I was still in high school, I think at that time, there were only a few more kids in the family over what was considered "normal," but their message of life and faith was something even I admired as a lost and confused, church-going kid, who has stuck between the struggles of public school chaos and her faith. The Duggar family had a message of hope in a world when Jon and Kate Gosselin's marriage was falling a part, when the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo drama unfolded, and when the Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner rumors first surfaced… The Duggars boldly professed their faith in God, their unwavering beliefs, and a lifestyle that was different from mainstream America. 

Although the similarities between my own family and the Duggars are very minimal, they somehow captured my attention and the attention of others around the world. They lived differently, somehow more simpler, without any fear of rejection. For many years, they were the standard for "Christian" that I compared myself to. That wasn't due to their fault or wrongdoing, they didn't campaign for followers, they never asked for the world to put their faith in them, they simply wished to share their faith in God on a public platform, and they did it well for almost a decade. 

They shared their family, their joys and hurts, their children's births, courtships, and marriages… They talked of a different lifestyle without much TV or Internet, of homeschooling around the kitchen table, of side hugs, and chosen careers, and the famous Duggar girl curly hair. They stood up against abortion, against gay-marriage, and every other lifestyle that was different from the Bible… In my mind, they were the epitome of a Christian family. 

When the actions of Josh Duggar first made the news, I didn't trust the accusations. They weren't the first to circle around and I took it as any other rumor that had floated around Facebook in the last five years. In fact, I saw the posts for a few days before I even read a single article. Truthfully, I read Josh Duggar's statement before I read anything else… it was one of honesty, repentance, and remorse. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed by the actions he made, but to me, in a way, I applauded the family. The way this was dealt with privately, yet publicly is a testimony to their character and their faith in Christ. Did he do a terrible thing? Yes. Did he own up to it? Yes. Was he the one who first went to his parents? Yes. Did his parents get him counseling and treatment? Yes. Did Josh Duggar's heart change? Yes. Was he open and honest with his girlfriend, now wife AND her family? Yes. And perhaps the biggest question of all, was he forgiven from his creator the moment he asked? Yes. 

If Christ did not condemn, who are we, as nothing more than simply viewers of their TV show, to throw the first stone?

The truth in the matter was Josh Duggar was fourteen. 

So… when I read the article this morning about Josh Duggar being a part of the Ashley Madison hacked information, I was once again disappointed by the hypocrisy of this man's words. He has been outspoken against problems our country has, he has been in favor of traditional values, but has secretly been dealing with pornography and has admitted to being "unfaithful" to his wife. At first I was angry. If this family has been a Christian example for the rest of the world, including myself, why would He do this and risk ruining their family's reputation again OR worse, sending thousands away from the message of Christ? 

But then I remembered my own life, and I jumped off my high horse. In the last couple years and specifically in the last couple months, I have preached Christ and his role in my life… but I have also failed miserably as well. Just like Josh, I am a sinner. I may sin much differently than him, but sin is sin and it is still black no matter what it is. 

Who am I to judge? Who am I to throw the first stone? 

As christians, I beg you to rethink, just like I did, to consider that maybe their message of love and Christ is still unwavering and true. Maybe with Josh's bold words against such sins there is STILL truth in that God is still good and He is still forgiving and merciful, simply because Josh knows the redemption and grace God has shown him… even while he was still caught in sin. 

Even in the face of controversy, the Duggar family amazes me in their poise, their faith, and in their honesty. There is no shame in the Gospel of Christ… even if you happen to be a Christian family facing the world's judgement. 

I would be lying if I said that the Duggars haven't disappointed me in the last year, especially Josh, but that's only because I placed them on this perfect pedestal, believing they were without sin… when the reality is that they are just like me and you and everyone else. 

We all fall short. 

Josh Duggar is a sinner and in no way at all am I saying his actions are excusable, but I am simply saying before you cast that stone, take a look at your own life, Christian or not. 

To read the family's statement, click the link below:

http://www.duggarfamily.com/2015/8/statements-from-jim-bob-and-michelle-duggar-and-josh-duggar

A summer of brokenness, redemption, and questions galore…

*Note: My language is sometimes offensive…

After sitting through an orientation for summer missionaries at the end of May, I became painfully aware of how different "my walk" with Christ was from the other students sitting in the room… I think I have always considered myself a "Christian" and when asked about my faith, I usually always replied with a "Christian" answer. I knew enough to talk the talk. 

Just days before I left for that orientation, I was sitting on my driveway after one too many margaritas trying to be coaxed into the house by my patient best friend… She was trying her hardest to convince me to go, to not give up, and to take a chance with God. I, being the typical Tedi Ellis, threw a tantrum on the concrete claiming that, "I just don't want to go" and "God doesn't like me right now." She told me to put my big girl panties on, suck it up, and go… I probably yelled some obscenities at her but I got in the car and I went. 

It was miserable… I doubt I even cracked a smile the entire time. To be blunt, I don't like new people… and I certainly never liked "Christians" even though I claimed to be one. I never associated with "Christians" and I never went out of my way to be friends with any. I never felt accepted by church people. I always felt different… judged like an outsider. I got really good at being fake and hiding behind fake smiles and rehearsed words of wisdom and memorized bible verses. But there was just something about being in a room full of real authentic followers of Christ that turned my heart into a mess and sent my mind running in a thousand different directions. I wanted what they had. 

As I watched the other students singing out and lifting their hands in worship, I realized how different things were… Most importantly, I realized what I was not. I realized quickly that I was not following Christ… or even slightly paying attention to Him. I never prayed about my summer plans, signing up for the summer missions program, or anything, in general really. It was about me, once again doing my best to talk the talk with no intention of ever walking that talk. The moment I got there, I wanted to run away as fast as I could… but I knew on my own, I was a lost cause. 

I was desperate for hope. 

The best thing that anyone has ever done for me happened this summer. I was called out on the bullshit I was trying to hide behind… I couldn't hide behind my pride and bad attitude anymore. The decision for me to leave was not only an answered prayer but the first time my eyes were actually opened to the realness of God. It was the first time I wasn't allowed to just skate on by with no intention of ever truly pursuing God… It was the first time I truly understood and realized a need for a relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Just days after leaving the summer missions program, I gave my life to Christ in the middle of a dark closet, with no one around. I think in all my 23 years on this Earth, that moment was the most honest and sincere that I have ever lived. I realized that no matter how much I wanted to be, that I couldn't be my own savior and that I needed a lord and a savior and a king and that answer was found in Jesus Christ. 

Even though I grew up in a Christian home and in the church, I never actually encountered Christ in a way that was real and life changing until that moment. I slowly have seen my heart transformed and changed and molded in ways I never expected or could have done on my own. However, I am still just as much of a sinner and a screw up than I was five years ago or even just three months ago. I sometimes still have moments when I curse like a sailor and lose self control over worldly things, but I am trying. I know God is at work for that fact alone… In the past, I never actually tried.

If we are being absolutely real, I would tell you that "my walk" is probably still far different than everyone else in that room. To be honest, I just wrote in my journal last week what probably doesn't sound "Christian" enough for most "Christians"…but it was real and an honest look at where my heart is.

"God, I don't really know if I love YOU or not. I don't know where I am, exactly. I love what you did for me when you sent your son to the cross, but I don't love other things that have happened to me that you could have prevented. If you have power over death, then everything else should be trivial for you. I want to love you. I want to serve you. I want to follow you… but God, I don't know if I'm there yet. I don't know if I love you for simply being you, I feel like I only love you for what you did in Jesus and for forgiving me and for saving me from Hell. Is that enough? It doesn't feel like enough… I want to love YOU just because. I want to KNOW you, I really want to know you personally, just like I think you want to know me. I don't know… but please know that I am trying. Help me to love you." 

The awareness I have about myself is becoming more and more as I try to draw closer and closer to my creator, but I still don't have all the answers. I still screw up like it's my job, mess up my witness on a daily basis, and trip over my words. In my opinion, this newfound struggle of trying to know if I truly love God doesn't make me less of a "Christian," because I still believe Christ entered my life back in June when I asked him to. I know where my heart was and I know without a doubt that I was forgiven the moment I asked… with or without knowing all the answers. I want to love God for simply being God, but my heart isn't there yet. Don't get me wrong, I love what He has done for me… I just believe strongly that the relationship I want will come when I figure out how to love Him, not for what He has done, but for who He is. There is absolutely a difference. 

Before I left the summer missions program, one of the leaders told me, "God can handle your anger. I think the first thing you need to do is to get alone with Him and talk it over. You can yell at him, curse at him, pour your heart out… God is big enough to handle your anger." The moment I unleashed the fury of my heart on God, I realized that in me doing so, it wasn't about God for He already knew what my heart felt... it was about me acknowledging God was real and allowing Him to heal my heart. In order for me to let God come into my life, I had to get rid of all the things I was desperately holding onto out of anger. When I finally let the anger out, I realized I took away it's power to control me. 

All of the heartbreak and chaos that this summer has brought, got me to that closet and because of that, I wouldn't change any of it for any reason. This rollercoaster started years ago, it's just that now, I've finally decided to jump out of the driver's seat and let God take over… My only job from here on out consists of me following Him wherever He wants me to go. His plans are far greater than mine.

New beginnings aren't always cute and adorable and easy… but somehow, I do believe that this one will eventually all be worth it. When I doubted God and his existence, He was there. When I admitted I was a sinner and in need of a savior, He was there. When I questioned his sovereignty and his power, He was there. 

I long for the day when I can write of my love for Him… but until then, honesty is where my heart is. Disagree with me all you want, but there isn't a doubt in my mind that although my heart is painfully unaware of where I stand and what I feel… He is there. Luckily for me, my salvation doesn't have anything to do with me or the way I feel, but everything to do with what has already been done for me. His love came first, it has and will always be greater and stronger and deeper than anything I could ever offer. 

He is God and He is so damn good.